1. On Friday, Texas Congressman Louie Gohmert took to the floor of the House of Representatives to argue that homosexuals shouldn’t be allowed in outer space. Which seems like a direct shot at Lance Bass.
2. Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has taken to calling presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump “Mr. Macho.” Said Trump, “Oh, that hurts, is that what it feels like when someone calls you a name? Wow, I’m a monster.”
3. On Wednesday, the World Health Organization declared that Guinea, which had been ravaged by Ebola, no longer had any active transmissions of the disease in the country. The people of Guinea celebrated by fucking a bunch of monkeys.
4. A North Korean state media website Tuesday published an op-ed praising Donald Trump as a “far-sighted presidential candidate” and called Hillary Clinton “dull.” Although, the article wasn’t completely disparaging to Hillary, it did call her a snappy dresser:
5. A number of parking lots in China have sparked outrage after introducing “female only” parking spaces. “That’s outrageous,” said Saudi Arabia, “you let them drive!?!”
6. Over the weekend, Donald Trump called the judge presiding over his Trump University out case “a hater.” A very technical legal term you can only learn if you enroll in Trump Law School.
7. 107-year-old Virginia McLaurin, who got invited to the White House last year, attended her first Major League Baseball game last week. They made sure to buy her some crackerjacks because they’re pretty sure she’s never coming back.
8. According to Cosmopolitan, bickering about chores is more harmful to a couple than cheating. “Those are kinda one-in-the-same when you’re fucking the maid,” said Arnold Schwarzenegger.
9. On Sunday, Alexander Rossi won the 100th running of the Indy 500. Although, I’m not sure you can call anyone who drives 500 miles only to wind up in Indianapolis a winner
10. After allegations of domestic abuse, a judge has granted actress Amber Heard a temporary restraining order against former husband Johnny Depp. For the sake of the movie industry, do you think the judge would order Depp to stay away from Tim Burton, too?