June 3, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. All four cities vying to host the 2024 Olympic games have advanced to the next stage of campaigning as the International Olympic Commission found no major flaws in their bids. That story again, all the checks cleared.

2. A new online game called Surgeon Simulator allows users to operate on presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump. The program initially had Jeb Bush as the patient, but he was DOA every time.

3. A ghost-hunting tour in the U.K. accidentally stumbled upon a porn that was being shot in a graveyard. Which makes sense since the all actors were dead on the inside.

4. A 43-year-old man is claiming that his twenty-nine Miley Cyrus tattoos are preventing him from getting a girlfriend. Which isn’t true, his first Miley Cyrus tattoo did that, the other twenty-eight were just overkill.

5. According to reports, conservative commentator Bill Kristol is considering choosing David French, a staff writer with National Review magazine and a constitutional lawyer, to run as an independent presidential candidate. So remember the name David French, because if you do, you’ll be the only one.

6. A number of parking lots in China have introduced “female only” parking spaces. “Here we go again,” said North Carolina.

7. School officials in Mobile, Alabama are looking into allegations that a teacher administered a math test that may have been racist. Whoa, whoa, whoa, since when have they been teaching math in Alabama?

8. A former Miss Turkey was handed a 14-month suspended prison sentence on Tuesday for insulting Turkish President Tayyip Erdogan through a poem she shared on Instagram. But, come on, give her some credit, do you know how hard it is to rhyme ‘Tayyip Erdogan’?

9. A couple in their eighties have finally tied the knot after dating for over forty years. So, I guess, the answer to the age old question of why buy the cow is because the milk has turned sour.

10. Just one day after saying he’d love to debate Bernie Sanders, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump changed his mind and said he would not debate the Democrat. Between this and his flip-flops on gun control and abortion, Trump doesn’t have time to debate Bernie when he’s so busy arguing with himself.

11. Last week, Utah police cited a man who was running around nude with bells hanging from his genitals. “This is not how I wanted to get my wings,” said one angel.

12. A Florida fifth-grader, who may have had a hit list, could face murder charges, after she poisoned a classmate’s water using bleach. The teacher should have known something was up when the student ended every show-and-tell with “You didn’t see nothing.”

13. An Arkansas man proposed to his girlfriend by creating a level on the Super Mario Brothers video game that popped the question to her. The couple will be honeymooning in her parent’s basement.

14. A five-year old boy’s missing hamster was discovered by a doctor dead in the back-fat of his mother who weighs over 700 pounds. So, in hindsight, the boy probably shouldn’t have named him lucky.

15. Over the weekend, to mark their 100th anniversary Nathan’s sold hot dogs for a nickel at its famous Coney Island stand. “I remember when they only cost a quarter,” said a very confused old man.

16. On Friday, Texas Congressman Louie Gohmert took to the floor of the House of Representatives to argue that homosexuals shouldn’t be allowed in outer space. Which seems like a direct shot at Lance Bass.

17. Last week, a man in West Virginia wearing a ‘#1 DAD’ t-shirt used his daughter as a human shield after robbing a bank. But maybe the daughter wouldn’t have been in that situation if she had bought her dad an actual shield instead of that stupid shirt.

18. Last week, scientists in Australia discovered seven new species of peacock spiders. Although, they can’t be too good at peacocking if they’re just being discovered now.

19. The National Park Service is calling part of the Petersburg National Battlefield, the site of a bloody Civil War battle, “an active crime scene” due to a large number of freshly dug excavation pits. Authorities are blaming it on looters or the South has literally risen again.

20. Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg just submitted plans to tear down and rebuild four of the houses surrounding his Palo Alto home. Or, as he refers to it, adjusting his privacy settings.

21. A group of artists unveiled a huge mural of David Bowie in Sarajevo on Saturday. Not because of Bowie’s death, but because they just got his music there.

22. Alex Rodriguez’s 8-year-old daughter Ella filled out a Parent’s Day school assignment by answering questions about her famous father, including “the craziest thing my dad ever did was cut an apple for me.” So, needless to say, she she failed that assignment.

23. The vinyl edition of “The Force Awakens” soundtrack has spinning holograms etched into the record. Even better, if you play it backwards, it says “Jar Jar Binks is dead.”

24. According to reports, singer Gwen Stefani turned down boyfriend and fellow-singer Blake Shelton’s marriage proposal. It was gut wrenching, Shelton popped the question and Stefani didn’t turn her chair around.

25. A Japanese company has invented a robotic suitcase that retails for $650 and follows its owner around like a dog. “Can you teach them to fight?” said Michael Vick.

26. According to an annual ranking of airports, Newark International Airport is the most miserable airport. Although, somehow, it’s still the best place in New Jersey.

27. Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has taken to calling presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump “Mr. Macho.” Said Trump, “Oh, that hurts, is that what it feels like when someone calls you a name? Wow, I’m a monster.”

28. Disney has vowed legal action against a Chinese theme park that has been using knock-off versions of their characters. The characters are not exactly the same, for instance, Mickey has been changed to Marky, Minnie is now Marnie and Pluto is lunch.

29. This week, a duck graduated from an elementary school in Florida. Although, at this point, the “in Florida” part seems redundant.

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