June 2, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a new interview, pregnant actress Megan Fox said she recently moved homes because her unborn baby told her to. But, since Fox starred in a Michael Bay “Transformers” movie, her baby is only the second most immature person she’s taken directions from.

2. According to reports, NATO members will likely agree during a summit meeting next month to designate cyber as an official domain of warfare along with air, sea, land and space. So, come next month, calling Becky a bitch on Facebook will be a war crime.

3. Forbes magazine on Wednesday reduced its estimated net worth of Elizabeth Holmes, the founder and CEO of health technology company Theranos, from $4.5 billion to zero. The last time someone’s estimated net worth fluctuated that much Donald Trump was talking about how rich in was in two different speeches.

4. On Wednesday, the World Health Organization declared that Guinea, which had been ravaged by Ebola, no longer had any active transmissions of the disease in the country. The people of Guinea celebrated by fucking a bunch of monkeys.

5. According to a new study, therapists are less likely to schedule appointments with black and working-class individuals than white and middle-class patients. And I’d love to know how that makes black and working-class individuals feel, but, apparently, no one is willing to ask them.

6. On Wednesday, the NFL announced that the Pro Bowl, traditionally held in Hawaii, will be played in Orlando next year. Finally giving at least one Cleveland Browns player the chance to say “I’m going to Disneyland.”

7. Yesterday, the Polish justice minister said Poland intends to extradite director Roman Polanski to the U.S. over a 1977 child sex conviction if the supreme court approves the move. Which means, somewhere in the world, Woody Allen just crossed off ‘Poland’ from his list.

8. Disney and Lucasfilm announced that Star Wars fans will be able to buy detailed replicas of items used in the most recent film, made by the same team who made the actual props for the movie. Because Star Wars fans are okay accepting replicas if its impossible for them to get their hands on the real thing:
blow up doll

9. A British man is complaining after a mistake left him looking like Adolf Hitler in his passport photo. But, on the plus-side, when he travels to Poland, customs officials put up zero resistance.

10. A blind Louisiana man is suing McDonald’s for discrimination after they refused to serve him as a walk up customer during late-night hours when only the drive-thru window was open. But, I don’t think the man has much of a case, since the incident in question, was actually him demanding some McNuggets while standing in the middle of a Walgreens.

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