June 1, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders attended the Game 7 matchup between the Golden State Warriors and Oklahoma City Thunder Monday night. Said Bernie, “When did they stop using peach baskets?”

2. A type of rare coding machine Adolf Hitler used to communicate with his generals has sold on eBay for only $14. The machine has little value in this modern world because, as Donald Trump has demonstrated, you no longer need to code your hate speech.

3. A North Korean state media website Tuesday published an op-ed praising Donald Trump as a “far-sighted presidential candidate” and called Hillary Clinton “dull.” Although, the article wasn’t completely disparaging to Hillary, it did call her a snappy dresser:
hillary kim jong

4. A number of parking lots in China have sparked outrage after introducing “female only” parking spaces. “That’s outrageous,” said Saudi Arabia, “you let them drive!?!”

5. On Tuesday, 68-year-old, Rolling Stones guitarist Ronnie Wood announced that he and is wife gave birth to twin baby girls. They have their mother’s eyes and their father’s bladder control.

6. A court in Italy has ruled that a divorced baker can pay child support in the form of pizza. It seen as a minor victory for the baker who initially tried to plead crazy-bread.

7. Thursday night, the Scripps National Spelling Bee ended in a tie with 13-year-old Jairam Hathwar and 11-year-old Nihar Janga sharing the title, which many liken to kissing your sister. Which is not an apt analogy since they will most likely be bringing their cousins to prom.

8. According to a new government report, the United States entire nuclear arsenal runs on an IBM Series 1 computer from 1976. So, I guess, our defense against being bombed back into the stone age is staying in the stone age.

9. Last week, an 800-pound woman in Wales had to be taken out of her home by crane to a hospital. Everything went well, but there was an awkward moment when there was a beeping noise and people didn’t know if it was the crane or the woman backing up.

10. Over the weekend, Donald Trump called the judge presiding over his Trump University out case “a hater.” A very technical legal term you can only learn if you enroll in Trump Law School.

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