May 31, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. 107-year-old Virginia McLaurin, who got invited to the White House last year, attended her first Major League Baseball game last week. They made sure to buy her some crackerjacks because they’re pretty sure she’s never coming back.

2. According to Cosmopolitan, bickering about chores is more harmful to a couple than cheating. “Those are kinda one-in-the-same when you’re fucking the maid,” said Arnold Schwarzenegger.

3. On Sunday, Alexander Rossi won the 100th running of the Indy 500. Although, I’m not sure you can call anyone who drives 500 miles only to wind up in Indianapolis a winner

4. A new study found that women with deeper voices are more persuasive. And they may have point, because Bruce asked to be called Caitlyn and we all just agreed.

5. A Minnesota funeral home as added a bar to liven up funerals. And, as a funeral home, allowing mourners to drive home after a few cocktails is good for business.

6. An ad for a Chinese laundry detergent in which a black man is washed into an Asian man is being derided as racist. Even worse, the detergent is called ‘apar-Tide.’

7. Last week, a 58-year-old man in South Carolina applied for a bank loan so he could purchase more meth. He put down “willing to suck your dick” as collateral.

8. After allegations of domestic abuse, a judge has granted actress Amber Heard a temporary restraining order against former husband Johnny Depp. For the sake of the movie industry, do you think the judge would order Depp to stay away from Tim Burton, too?

9. On Sunday, the Libertarian party nominated former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson as their presidential nominee. So, if this is the first you’re hearing about it, it’s also probably the last.

10. Israel’s first transgender beauty pageant was won by a Taleen Abu Hanna, a Christian Arab, on Friday. Abu Hanna was given a crown while the pageant host sang “There she is, Miss Trans Israel,” which will be the only time she hears those words not immediately followed by “let’s get her!”

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