May 25, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, letting your baby ‘cry it out’ instead of interfering is an effective sleep training method that does not cause stress or lasting emotional problems for the baby. The study was apparently conducted on every flight I have ever been on.

2. This week President Obama signed a bill removing all “Orientals” and “Negros” from federal laws. A bill Donald Trump was in favor of until he read the ‘from federal laws’ part at the end.

3. Online retailer Amazon has purchased a Seattle hotel and is converting it into a homeless shelter. Or, as the people who were already staying at that Days Inn thought of it, an upgrade.

4. A 31-year-old man in England who was balding claims he saw a 75% increase in Tinder matches after having a hair transplant. “Any word on whether that holds true for Grindr?” said John Travolta.

5. Yesterday, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders requested a recount in the closely contested Kentucky primary he lost to Hillary Clinton last week. “You mean, I have to do this all over again?” said the one guy in Kentucky who can count.

6. Kentucky Derby winner Nyquist will miss next month’s Belmont Stakes because of a high white cell count, his trainers said on Tuesday. Which is probably for the best, because if Nyquist had lost that race all his cells would be white:
glue

7. On Monday, Minnesota Governor Mark Dayton declared May 23rd Beyonce Day in the state. News flash Minnesota, everyday is Beyonce day. Now bow down!!!!!!

8. A poet in Myanmar who wrote in October that he had a tattoo of the country’s president on his penis was found guilty on Tuesday of defamation and sentenced to a six-month jail term. Even worse, I’m pretty sure he plagiarized Maya Angelou.

9. Veterans Affairs Secretary Bob McDonald recently compared the “experience” of waiting for health care at a VA hospital to Disneyland guests waiting in line for a ride. “The VA lines are far worse, in fact, if they were shorter, I’d probably go by a different name,” said Captain Hook.

10. On Tuesday, Buffalo Bills General Manager Doug Whaley said football is such a violent game that he doesn’t “think humans are supposed to play.” Although, if spent all day watching the Bills, you’d probably question whether humans were supposed to play football as well.

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