May 24, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. The San Diego Padres apologized to the San Diego Gay Men’s Chorus on Sunday after a recording of the national anthem played over the loud speaker as they tried to sing the song before a game. Although, I’m guessing an all-men’s chorus who felt the need to put the word ‘gay’ in their title is cool with needless redundancies.

2. In an attempt to unify, the Democratic Party said on Monday it would give 79-year-old presidential contender Bernie Sanders a prominent say in writing its platform this year. But that’s only because the party can’t afford Hillary’s speaking fee.

3. Vietnamese low-cost airline VietJet, best known for having bikini-clad flight attendants, just placed a $11 billion dollar order with Boeing. Unsurprisingly, they paid in all singles.

4. According to newly filed court documents, actor David Hasselhoff is claiming that he is broke, with only $4,000 to his name. Look, if that’s the case, I’m willing to chip in a few bucks to buy him a shirt:
hasselhoff

5. In an attempt to unify, the Democratic Party said on Monday it would give 79-year-old presidential contender Bernie Sanders a prominent say in writing its platform this year. Which explains the party’s new slogan, no great-grandchild left behind.

6. This week in New Mexico, a group of thieves stole the off-road wheelchair of a handicapped man. “So I’ll just take the day off,” said the group’s getaway driver.

7. A 12-year-old Indian-American boy, who already has three college degrees, is aiming to become a doctor by the time he turns 18. This according to a news article my mom has sent me every week for the past twelve weeks.

8. On Friday, Vice President Joe Biden started a speech at an Ohio ice cream factory by saying “My name is Joe Biden and I like ice cream.” So maybe he’s just had brain freeze everyday for the past eight years.

9. A new app and special tampon have been developed called my.Flow which tell users how saturated the tampon is and when it’s time to change. With this app, more than any other, you really don’t want a security leak.

10. The much anticipated duet between Christina Aguilera and a hologram of the late Whitney Houston that was scheduled to happen on ‘The Voice’ has been cancelled. Apparently, hologram Whitney objected to Christina getting a bigger dressing room.

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