May 23, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Friday, Vice President Joe Biden started a speech at an Ohio ice cream factory by saying “My name is Joe Biden and I like ice cream.” But, to be fair, that how he starts every speech.

2. Google recently received a patent for a special glue-like coating to be used on self-driving cars that could help prevent pedestrian injuries by making the stick to the car if they’re hit. And, as an added bonus, if you hit enough people you’ll be able to use the HOV lane.

3. A T.G.I.Friday’s in Las Vegas accidentally served an alcoholic root beer to an eight-year-old boy. Said the server, “It’s not my fault, he told me he was this many.”

4. A five-year-old girl in Denver was suspended last week after bringing a bubble gun to school. The NRA says best way to defend against that in the future is to arm all the teachers with bubble guns.

5. Last week, in Michigan, a man was arrested carrying a gun, marijuana and a box of live squirrels. Which is a shame, because I really wanted to see what the next part of that plan was.

6. The International Olympic Committee said they will distributed 450,000 free condoms to the athlete during the upcoming Rio Olympics. The condoms will be split evenly amongst the athletes, 50,000 for the swimmers, 50,000 for the runners, and 0 for the NBA players.

7. The Chinese government has issued a statement strongly dismissing reports it is packaging human meat as corned beef and sending it to African grocery stores. Although it is suspicious that the infamous Oscar Meyer jingle has been changed to “My bologna has a first name, it’s Zhang Wei.”

8. In a new song, rapper Kanye West calls his wife Kim Kardashian the female O.J. I don’t know about that, but Rob Kardashian is definitely Kato.

9. Over the weekend, a solar airplane that is attempting to circumnavigate the globe took off from Oklahoma. And, even if the plane doesn’t make it all the way around the world, just getting out of Oklahoma is something to celebrate.

10. On Sunday, 87-year-old Jane Little, who played in the Atlanta Symphony Orchestra for a Guinness World Record 71 years, collapsed and died on stage while playing an encore. Cellist Yo-Yo Ma said she was “an amazing musician,” Kenny G said, “she died doing what she loved,” and Nickelback said, “What’s an encore?”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.