1. Former Republican Senator from Utah Bob Bennett on his deathbed reportedly apologized to Muslims for Donald Trump. Said Muslims, “We would have preferred the apology from Trump on his deathbed.”
2. According to a new report, Donald Trump wanted the theme of one of his season’s of “the Apprentice” to be whites vs. blacks. Which, if you think about it, is a very clever way to keep Mexicans off his show.
3. According to a new study, the average person spends 117 days of their life having sex. Which means Paris Hilton is gonna die very young.
4. This week, a couple in Montreal got married in front of 1,100 guests, all of whom were cats. Even more disturbing, the groom had slept with a couple of the bridesmaids.
5. South Korean author Han Kang won the Man Booker International Prize for fiction on Monday for her novel “The Vegetarian”, a surreal story about a woman who gives up eating meat and seeks to become a tree. “Well, it’s better than being a bush right now,” said Jeb.
6. This week, 90-year-old, former Miss New Mexico Betha Young finally received her crown for winning the state beauty pageant 58 years ago. Young didn’t receive the crown at the time of the pageant because Steve Harvey was the host.
7. According to a new survey, 72% of New Jersey voters oppose Chris Christie as a potential running mate for Donald Trump. While the remaining 28% are Chris Christie, he’s fat.
8. New York Mets pitcher Bartolo Colon is being sued for child support. Not surprising for a professional athlete who always looks pregnant:
9. A mother in Florida posted a picture on Facebook in which she claimed to see the face of Jesus in her baby’s dirty diaper. Although I don’t remember Jesus having corn stuck to his forehead.
10. A Polish non-profit organization is hoping to help the blind and visually impaired with plans to make and give away what it says will be the world’s first free smart glasses. So hopefully one day soon the visually impaired will be able to observe the beautiful landscape that is Poland.
11. On Friday, drugmaker Pfizer said it has taken steps to ensure that none of its products are used in lethal injections. Which is impossible because after Hugh Hefner uses a Viagra, the woman he was with always wants to kill herself.
12. South Africa gave the green light on Friday for class action suits seeking damages from gold companies for up to half a million miners who contracted the fatal lung diseases silicosis and tuberculosis. And they may have a case because now all the dwarves are dopey.
13. In a recent interview, Ivanka Trump said her father Donald has “elevated” political dialogue. Which is true, because before Trump the best we could do as a nation was just guess at how big a dick a candidate had.
14. It was reported last week that President Obama is following several porn stars on Twitter. Michelle said, “It’s harmless, Barack is just tweeting at them, reminding them to eat healthy by using the eggplant emoji.”
15. Scientists in Australia have observed what seems to be the first occurrence of lesbian sex amongst gorillas. “See, it’s natural,” said one scientist to his wife
16. Over the weekend, 96-year-old Alfonso Gonzales became the oldest ever graduate of the University of Southern California. So good luck collecting on those student loans.
17. Over the weekend, 96-year-old Alfonso Gonzales became the oldest ever graduate of the University of Southern California. He majored in ancient Greek history, luckily, he kept a running diary.
18. A prisoner in Ireland swallowed a cellphone that became lodged in his stomach and had to be removed by surgery. “No gag reflex, good to know,” said his cellmate.
19. Disney may replace cuddly theme park characters with robots that mimic human movements. I don’t understand, why would they add Mitt Romney to the Hall of Presidents?
20. A journalist took crystal meth for a story and ended up masturbating for over 16 hours. So he either got his hands on some really good drugs or some really bad porn.