May 19, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. In an effort to reach younger voters, British Prime Minister David Cameron has joined Tinder. Cameron has also joined AirBnB to find a new place to sleep after his wife found out that he joined Tinder.

2. According to research, Donald Trump does better in online polls than in telephone polls. Because it’s still embarrassing to admit you support presumptive Republican nominee and, as Trump himself will tell you, it’s hard to pretend to be someone else on the phone.

3. San Diego International Airport has hired clowns to entertain passengers stuck in extremely long TSA security lines. Although, having clowns work lines already manned by TSA agents seems redundant.

4. South Korean author Han Kang won the Man Booker International Prize for fiction on Monday for her novel “The Vegetarian”, a surreal story about a woman who gives up eating meat and seeks to become a tree. So, if you’re one of those people who hasn’t read a book in a while, you’re not missing much.

5. Donald Trump on Wednesday unveiled a list of 11 judges he would consider nominating to fill the seat of late Justice Antonin Scalia on the Supreme Court. Trump noted that this was only a preliminary list and a lot would depend on how the candidates did in the swimsuit competition.

6. A picture has gone viral of a toddler in India tied to a rock while her parents work. Or, as it’s more commonly known in those parts, daycare.

7. This week, Ben Carson said Sarah Palin and Ted Cruz are on Donald Trump’s shortlist for Vice Presidential running-mates. Man, there hasn’t been a list this depressing since Schindler’s.

8. Thomas Manning, a 64-year-old man who had his penis amputated after a penile cancer diagnosis in 2012, became the first in the United States to undergo a successful penis transplant. So, no matter which hand he uses, it will always feel like a different person.

9. In a recent interview, Posh Spice, Victoria Beckham, admitted that her microphone was turned off during most Spice Girls performances. Unfortunately, the other four mics still worked.

10. During the Republican Convention in Cleveland, an artist will photograph one hundred nude women to make a statement. That statement, women will do some crazy things if you tell them you’re an artist.

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