May 17, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, former presidential candidate Ben Carson said that Sarah Palin, Ted Cruz, John Kasich and Marco Rubio are on Donald Trump’s shortlist for Vice Presidential running-mates. Although, it should be noted that it’s only a shortlist because Trump’s tiny little hands got tired after writing four names.

2. According to the new jobs report, America has a near record 5.8 million current job openings. “I’ll do them,” said Steve Harvey.

3. Yesterday, the Philadelphia 76ers, who finished last season with a NBA-worst record of 10-72, became the first team in the four major U.S. sports to sell an ad that will be placed on their team’s jerseys. Experts say the ad will be seen by literally tens of people.

4. Police in a Chicago suburb called off their search Monday for singer Sinead O’Connor after she was found safe. For those not familiar with the situation, O’Connor had been missing since 1989.

5. Worried about the outbreak of the Zika virus, the Australian Olympic team will be given “Zika-proof” condoms ahead of this summer’s games in Brazil. “I’ve never heard of that,” said Charlie Sheen, “is it pronounced con-dom?”

6. Thomas Manning, a 64-year-old man who had his penis amputated after a penile cancer diagnosis in 2012, became the first patient in the United States to undergo a successful penis transplant. “Do you have to have cancer to undergo the procedure?” said Porsche owners.

7. A man is tackling homelessness in Australia by building a Sleepbus, a bus converted into 22 sleeping pods to provide homeless people with a safe sleeping space. “Too late,” said Greyhound.

8. Someone is selling a series of serial killer trading cards on the crafting website Etsy. So now, when you say you have an Aaron Hernandez trading card, you’re gonna have to be more specific.

9. According to a new study, people, on average, watch Netflix per day for a longer period of time than they look after their children. Which explains the new saying “Netflix and oh dear God where’s Jill?”

10. Unable to find a date, a high school senior in Washington D.C. took his pet cat to prom. Even sadder, it was only after the family dog turned him down.

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