May 16, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Paul McCartney, the Rolling Stones, Neil Young and Bob Dylan will all be part of a concert tour later this year in California called ‘Desert Trip.’ They chose that name, presumably, because ‘Antiques Roadshow’ was already taken.

2. Donald Trump said Friday that a newly resurfaced recording of a man who sounds like Trump posing as his spokesman isn’t him. Although many people suspect that the spokesman really was Trump because he said many unbelievable things like “Trump dated Madonna,” “Trump currently has three girlfriends,” and “Trump’s a pretty good guy.”

3. Susannah Mushatt Jones, the world’s oldest person, died on Friday at the age of 116. There was no need to cremate her because she was already 80% dust.

4. A flight attendant has been arrested for stealing over 1,500 mini bottles of liquor from an airplane. Or, as they appear in Donald Trump’s hands, regular sized liquor bottles.

5. Last week, a 10-year-old girl in Missouri broke the kids’ national record for the most sit-ups with 2,110 crunches. Meanwhile, I just pulled a muscle typing this.

6. Burger King recently opened a spa in one of its restaurants in Finland. It’s perfect for anyone who’s ever been in a Burger King, looked around at the clientele and thought, I’d like to be sweaty and naked in a hot room with these people.

7. It was reported last week that President Obama is following several porn stars on Twitter. Said Obama, “I am just trying to determine once and for all who Deep Throat is.”

8. Last week, Pizza Hut set a new world record for highest altitude pizza delivery after dropping off a pie at 5,897 feet on the top of Mount Kilimanjaro. And no one was more relived when Pizza Hut said they would deliver to the top of Mount Kilimanjaro than Luke, the climber the rest of the group decided looked the most delicious.

9. A man in New York’s Times Square who gives away free hugs was arrested over the weekend for punching a man in the face. He punched him instead of hugging him, or, as Chris Brown thinks of it, “What’s the difference?”

10. Last week, a woman drove her car into a lake because she was following the directions provided by her GPS. But, in the GPS’s defense, she did ask for directions to Chappaquiddick.

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