10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. This week, a couple in California spent $65,000 on a Harry Potter-themed wedding. And, it sounds like it went well, because later that night the groom finally caught the bride’s golden snitch.

2. According to a new poll, Donald Trump is less popular than head lice. Parasitic head lice are organisms that survive by living off a stronger host organism, or, as it is known in politics, Chris Christie:

3. George Zimmerman is auctioning off the gun he used to kill Trayvon Martin. Zimmerman said he is doing that to remind people that, despite not being in the news for a while, he is still a giant piece of shit.

4. On Wednesday, the Buffalo Bills announced that they will retire the number of Thurman Thomas, the second-best running back in franchise history, who was known for his slashing style of running. The franchise’s leading running back, O.J. Simpson, has not had his number retired because of his slashing style of everything else.

5. On Tuesday, Heidi Cruz compared her husband Ted’s battle to become president to the country’s battle to end slavery. And she may have a point because Ted is still very concerned about who can use which bathroom.

6. Last week, comedian Eddie Murphy welcomed his eighth child. Because if we’ve learned anything from Murphy’s film career, it’s that he doesn’t know when to stop.

7. A collection of women’s shoes and bras was discovered last week behind a hidden wall in a barn in Michigan. “Sometimes I like to dress the scarecrow up,” said a very lonely farmer.

8. Last week, police in Connecticut arrested a man accused of firing a gun into a bathroom because he thought someone was taking too long to use the facilities. “Yes, but how fast can he run?” said Oscar Pistorius.

9. Last week, a seven-year-old in Virginia, who was born without hands, won a national handwriting contest. I don’t know how she managed to write, but I’m pretty sure afterwards they let her keep the pen.

10. Rocker Ozzy Osbourne and his wife of 33 years, Sharon Osbourne, have announced they are getting a divorce. Usually, when it comes to divorce there are no winners, except in this case the loser is whoever gets custody of Kelly.

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