May 11, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, Heidi Cruz compared her husband Ted’s battle to become president to the country’s battle to end slavery. And she may have a point because Ted is still very concerned about who can use which bathroom.

2. On Monday, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump gave a speech in front of hundreds of coal miners. The speech went great until the canary living in the nest on Trump’s head died and everyone had to evacuate the mine.

3. While speaking about the affect of hairspray on the o-zone at a recent campaign rally, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said, “if I take hairspray and spray it in my apartment, which is all sealed, you’re telling me that affects the o-zone layer? I say no way.” Begging the question, if Trump has a room that is completely sealed off from the world, can he just stay in there? Please.

4. During a campaign rally in West Virginia, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the crowd they didn’t need to vote on Tuesday because the primary race was already over. “That’s ridiculous, if convincing people not to vote for you were the key, I’d be president right now,” said Jeb.

5. On Tuesday, Anheuser-Busch announced that it will rename its Budweiser beer “America” from May 23 through to the presidential election to “inspire drinkers to celebrate America.” Although, the ways things are going, I think people will really need a drink after the election.

6. A university in Thailand caught a group of students using smart watches and cameras concealed in glasses to cheat during entrance exams. Which is ridiculous, you’re in Thailand, just cheat off the Asian kid next to you.

7. A 36-year-old Denver man was arrested and charged Saturday for allegedly shipping 12 pounds of marijuana to his real estate agent in Delaware. Said the real estate agent, “I guess I’ll start looking for houses that are at least 500 feet away from all schools.”

8. An Arkansas judge accused of swapping sex for reduced sentences resigned Monday after a state commission said it discovered thousands of photographs from his computer that depicted nude male defendants. So, one way or another, somebody always got off.

9. On Tuesday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he had narrowed his potential vice presidential choices to five or six experienced politicians. Now comes the hard part, tracking down Commissioner Gordon and Mayor McCheese.

10. Actress Angelina Jolie is reportedly considering a career in politics. Her campaign slogan would be “A chicken in every pot and thirteen adopted refugees in every garage.”

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