May 10, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Millionaire business-woman Michelle Mone said her most embarrassing moment was when she scooped up an adorable Vietnamese ‘child’ in front of 3,000 people only to discover he was actually a 46-year-old married man. Which, I’m pretty sure, is how Katie Holmes met Tom Cruise.

2. Last week, comedian Eddie Murphy welcomed his eighth child. Because if we’ve learned anything from Murphy’s film career, it’s that he doesn’t know when to stop.

3. Over the weekend, singer Justin Bieber got a small tattoo of a cross just above the corner of his right eye that represents his journey in life to find God. Said God, “Please don’t tell him where I am.”

4. According to new data, the number of children under six poisoned by nicotine in e-cigarettes rose by nearly 1,500% between 2013 and 2015. That’s why I have my baby on the patch.

5. A soccer referee was arrested last week after reportedly relieving himself behind the stands in view of students and parents during a high school soccer game. Which seems like an extreme overreaction, he probably should have been given a yellow card.

6. On Monday, SeaWorld’s CEO said their killer whales will no longer kiss or dance during shows. That is, until Kevin Bacon moves into town.

7. A new product has come to market called the LifeStraw which filters out 99% of water-borne bacteria allowing the user to safely drink contaminated water. And Mountain Dew.

8. A teacher’s aide at Tampa Bay high school was arrested Friday on charges that she had intercourse with two males students. But, in her defense, the aide was just doing her job, as the teacher was busy fucking two other students at the time.

9. 14-year-old Joseph Ware’s service dog Presley got her own photo in Ware’s middle school yearbook. Despite the inclusion of Presley, Stephanie Miller was still voted “Most Likely to Take a Shit in Public.”

10. Last week, actress Gwyneth Paltrow announced that her lifestyle brand GOOP will release its first ever sex newsletter. While I announced that I am consciously unsubscribing.

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