May 5, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. It was announced this week that Paul McCartney, Bob Dylan, Neil Young and the Rolling Stones will all perform at a charity concert later this year. Their opening act will be a lady calling a game of Bingo.

2. After announcing that he was dropping out of the presidential race on Tuesday night, Ted Cruz accidentally elbowed his wife in the face twice. But that still doesn’t explain why Ted’s face looks like that.

3. Yesterday, John Kasich officially ended his bid for the Republican presidential nomination. Katich said he’s looking forward to living a life less in the public eye, but, considering the amount of media attention he received while campaigning, I’m not sure that’s physically possible.

4. Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren on Tuesday attacked Donald Trump’s rise to become the presumptive Republican nominee, tweeting that he “built his campaign on racism, sexism and xenophobia.” Said Trump, “Don’t forget childish insults, you old bitch.”

5. This week, Australia’s Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce unveiled a plan to rid his country of the pesky carp fish by unleashing a form of the herpes virus on them. Which explain’s why Mr. Joyce earned a lifetime ban from Australia’s National Aquarium.

6. According to sources, 49-year-old Janet Jackson is pregnant with her first child. The singer reportedly wanted to wait until the time was right to have a baby, in other words, once Uncle Michael wasn’t around anymore.

7. Entrepreneurs in Brazil are building a sexual, adults-only theme park called Erotika Land. The park while feature two rollercoasters, a male-themed one where you reach the track’s climax immediately and a female-themed one where the riders just pretend to.

8. An angry note from Kurt Cobain discussing the possibility of disbanding Nirvana after an unflattering magazine article is being put up for auction. Experts say it is the second most valuable note he’s ever written.

9. A new study found that dog’s hearts often beat in sync with their owners. So now I feel extra bad for Dick Cheney’s dog.

10. Over the weekend, a 100-year-old woman from Brooklyn became the oldest person ever to compete in and complete a 100-yard dash. Even more surprising, the Jets drafted her.

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