May 4, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. After coming in a distant second place in Indiana’s Republican primary Tuesday night, Ted Cruz ended his presidential campaign. “One step closer,” said John Kasich.

2. On Tuesday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump accused rival Ted Cruz’s father Rafael of being involved in the assassination of JFK. Which is bullshit, because I’ve heard Rafael Cruz speak and there’s no way that man has ever stepped foot into a library.

3. “Amelia” the car Dale Earnhardt Jr. used to win last year’s races at Talladega and Daytona is being retired after 13 months of racing. 13 months of competitive sports at the highest level, or, as Tim Tebow calls it, a nice long career.

4. According to a new poll, 50% of teens say they are addicted to their mobile devices. While the other 50% were too busy looking at their cell phones to answer the question.

5. Kylie Jenner said the dress she wore to the Monday night’s Met Gala left her with scratched legs and bruised feet. But that still doesn’t explain her rug-burnt knees.

6. A 19-year-old Delaware woman was arrested on Tuesday after police say she called her ex-boyfriend’s cell phone more than 300 times in one day. Said the woman, “I get one phone call, right?”

7. As a result of a lack of man power and long lines, the TSA has announced that they will start screening passengers from smaller airports after they reach their destination. I assume that’s a typo and they meant to say “if they reach their destination.”

8. Yesterday the Tony Awards were announced. And every category looked remarkably similar, someone from “Hamilton” and four losers.

9. In a long message posted on Facebook on Tuesday, singer Sinead O’Connor blamed Arsenio Hall for Prince’s death. Prince has been dead for over a week and he is still somehow the most contemporary person in that story.

10. Singer Billy Joel has put his Palm Beach mansion on the market for $27 million. When he bought the house it was a seven bedroom, nine bath home with a three-car garage, now, after a few drunken nights, it’s a five bedroom, seven bath home with a seven-car garage.

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