May 3, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. California Republicans are upset that they are the only delegation coming in for the Republican National Convention in Cleveland who will be forced to stay in a hotel outside the city limits. Wait, someone’s upset about not being in Cleveland?

2. On Monday, the Billboard Music Awards announced that they will award this year’s Millennium Award to Brittney Spears. God I hope it was the last millennium, because I can’t take any more of there music.

3. A helicopter carrying Kim and Kourtney Kardashian was forced to make an emergency landing in Iceland last week. Oh, thank God, I wouldn’t want a helicopter like that to go down without Khloe on board as well.

4. On Friday, CERN’s Large Hadron Collider, the world’s biggest particle accelerator located in Switzerland, lost power due to a weasel. You add Stephen Baldwin and that’s basically the plot to ‘Bio-Dome.’

5. Experts are warning with the advent of self-driving vehicles there will be an increase in people having sex in moving cars. Thus making family vacations even more awkward.

6. On Monday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump thanked hall-of-fame college basketball coach Bobby Knight for his support in a tweet that misspelled the coach’s name as “Night.” Not surprisingly the man who cannot shut up for one second is not a fan of silent k’s.

7. Presumably looking ahead to a battle against Hillary Clinton, Republican frontrunner Donald Trump has begun praising Bernie Sanders in an effort to court Sanders supporters. Which explains Trump’s new slogan, “Excuse me waiter, this soup is cold.”

8. Indiana Governor Mike Pence said on Friday he would vote for Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz in his state’s primary today. Because, apparently, Pence doesn’t realize not voting is also an option.

9. The National Wrestling Hall of Fame on Monday revoked all awards bestowed upon former U.S. House Speaker Dennis Hastert after he admitted in court to sexually abusing students years ago when he was a high school wrestling coach. And they have a point, because if Hastert were a good coach those kids would have been able to fight off his advances.

10. The email addresses and passwords of seven millions users of the popular video game Minecraft have reportedly been stolen. Begging the question, how bad is your life that you want to steal the identity of someone who plays Minecraft?

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