1. This week, Republican frontrunner Donald Trump insulted rival John Kasich’s eating habits, saying he needs to learn to take “little bites.” Which is easy for Trump to say because his tiny little hands can’t pick up nearly enough food to fill his gigantic mouth.
2. Last week, 29-year-old Jonathan Nicola was arrested for pretending to be a 17-year-old high school basketball players, but the Sudanese immigrant claims he wasn’t lying about his age but instead just didn’t know how old he was. “That’s novel, I never thought to argue that I didn’t know who old I was,” said Jared from Subway.
3. According to a new study, people with several plants around their house tend to live longer. Begging the question, does Larry King live in the rainforest?
4. An elementary school in Texas may change its name to Donald J. Trump Elementary. Luckily, the school won’t have to change their mascot since they were already the Orangemen.
5. An elementary school in Texas may change its name to Donald J. Trump Elementary. Although nap-time will continue to be named after Ben Carson.
6. In an interview with the Washington Post, Ohio Governor John Kasich said, “My Republican party doesn’t like ideas.” Especially one specific idea:
7. A Florida man was arrested on Friday after it was discovered that he had been soliciting sex with dogs on Craigslist. You can see it on next week’s edition of NBC’s “To Fetch a Predator.”
8. In a new interview, Republican frontrunner Donald Trump said acting presidential is easy. ”I beg to differ,” said anyone who saw Jamie Foxx in ‘White House Down.’
9. Announcing her support for Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders and denouncing rival Hillary Clinton’s “bullying tactics,” actress Rosario Dawson said, “I’m with Monica Lewinsky.” A phrase that previously only got you a discount at the dry cleaners.
10. According to a new study, men who ejaculate often may have a lower risk of prostate cancer than their peers who don’t do it as frequently. So, I guess that guy on the city bus is gonna live forever.