April 29, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. While giving a speech in the Indiana gym made famous by the movie “Hoosiers,” Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz incorrectly referred to the basketball hoop as a ‘basketball ring.’ Because, as the Brooklyn Nets will tell you, there are no rings in basketball.

2. A British couple set off on a vacation to Las Vegas only to discover they’d booked flights from Birmingham, Alabama, rather than Birmingham, UK. But, to be fair, sounds like those geniuses would fit in quite well in Alabama.

3. Caitlyn Jenner posted a video on Wednesday of herself using a women’s bathroom at Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump’s New York hotel. But I think the most interesting part of that story is that Trump’s buildings have women’s restrooms.

4. An Oklahoma state legislator has apologized after saying in the legislature last week that Native Americans are pre-disposed to alcohol abuse. “Actually he’s right,” said Drives with Suspended License.

5. A pizza shop in Brooklyn has introduced a new delivery box made entirely out of pizza. But, in Papa John’s defense, the box their pizza comes in has always been more edible than their pizza.

6. Authorities say a New Jersey man who owes $12,000 in unpaid EZ Pass tolls has had his black Mercedes Benz impounded and is facing charges. And, I know it seems steep, but trust me you’d gladly pay $12,000 to get out of New Jersey.

7. During Donald Trump’s victory speech Tuesday night, Chris Christie’s wife Pat appeared to roll her eyes when Trump said that Hillary was playing “the woman card.” But Pat explained she was just doing her best impression of Melania.

8. In a speech on Wednesday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump rolled out an “America First” foreign policy plan. “America’s at the top of our list too,” said North Korea, Iran, Russia and Syria.

9. According to a new study, people with several plants around their house tend to live longer. “Do vegetables count?” said Sumner Redstone’s wife.

10. Kellogg’s is set to introduce new soda-flavored PopTarts. They are perfect for anyone who loves soda but always wished it was somehow worse for you.

11. An elementary school in Texas may change its name to Donald J. Trump Elementary. And, in keeping with its new namesake, the school day will no longer be divided up by periods, but instead they will be called ‘blood coming out of her where-evers.’

12. On Tuesday, archaeologists in Taiwan found a 4,800-year-old human fossil of a mother holding an infant child in her arms. 4,800 years of coddling and you thought your mother was over-protective.

13. When talking about rival John Kasich on Monday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said, “I’ve never seen human being eat in such a disgusting fashion.” So I guess the meeting where Chris Christie endorsed Trump wasn’t a lunch meeting.

14. Dog Whisiper Cesar Milan announced yesterday that he is engaged to his long-time girlfriend. Expert give the marriage a high chance of lasting a real long time because Milan told her to ‘stay.’

15. A taco restaurant in Spokane, Washington is offering hard-partying, former Cleveland Brown and currently unemployed Johnny Manziel a job. “That’s fine, but he better not cut into my shifts,” said Tim Tebow.

16. A new ‘Noah’s Ark’ theme park in Kentucky was destroyed in a flood last week. But, on the plus-side, at least the people of Kentucky got a much-needed bath.

17. A woman who gained notoriety online for looking like Ted Cruz is being paid $10,000 to appear in a pornographic movie. While the same porn company continues to pay Cruz $10,000 not to do porn.

18. Former Pennsylvania U.S. Sen. Harris Wofford announced Sunday that he is marrying a man almost 20 years after his wife died. Sounds like someone’s been reaching across the aisle.

19. On Sunday, Republican presidential candidate John Kasich said his campaign is looking at potential running mates in the event he secures the nomination. Which is as pointless as Honey Boo Boo saving up for college.

20. On Sunday, Republican presidential candidate John Kasich said his campaign is looking at potential running mates in the event he secures the nomination. Kasich is looking for someone who can match his values, enthusiasm and delusion.

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