April 28, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, Republican frontrunner Donald Trump insulted rival John Kasich’s eating habits, saying he needs to learn to take “little bites.” Which is easy for Trump to say because his tiny little hands can’t pick up nearly enough food to fill his gigantic mouth.

2. Last week, 29-year-old Jonathan Nicola was arrested for pretending to be a 17-year-old high school basketball players, but the Sudanese immigrant claims he wasn’t lying about his age but instead just didn’t know how old he was. “That’s novel, I never thought to argue that I didn’t know who old I was,” said Jared from Subway.

3. Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz on Wednesday named former business executive Carly Fiorina as his vice presidential running mate. They always say “behind every great man is a great woman,” that doesn’t apply here, I just like that saying.

4. Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz on Wednesday named former business executive Carly Fiorina as his vice presidential running mate should he win the nomination come July. Word of advice to Carly, maybe don’t clear your schedule just yet.

5. According to a new study, people with several plants around their house tend to live longer. Begging the question, does Larry King live in the rainforest?

6. According to a new study, just 37% of U.S high school seniors are adequately prepared for college-level courses in math and reading. Said those under-performing students, “But, on the plus-side, that means 86% are prepared.”

7. On Tuesday, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders said it’s absurd for reporters to keep asking him when he plans on dropping out of the race. Said reporters, “If that’s the case, then we’re out of questions.”

8. According to a new poll, more than half of American voters believe that the system political parties use to pick their candidates for the White House is “rigged.” While the other half wish it were rigged better:
Hillary Trump

9. The day after hard-partying and currently unemployed quarterback Johnny Manziel was indicted for allegedly assaulting his ex-girlfriend, he traveled to Cleveland to attend a Justin Bieber concert. So, I think it’s safe to say, he’s finally hit rock bottom.

10. A nine-year-old Missouri boy has set up a lemonade stand to fund his own adoption. Even sadder, his parents helped him set it up.

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