April 27, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. An elementary school in Texas may change its name to Donald J. Trump Elementary. Luckily, the Fightin’ Orangemen won’t have to change their mascot.

2. An elementary school in Texas may change its name to Donald J. Trump Elementary. Although nap-time will continue to be named after Ben Carson.

3. A new study found that 60% of women in Los Angeles are single. The same study also found that 100% of women in Los Angeles are single if you tell them you’re a casting director.

4. On Tuesday, health experts warned mothers against using cow dung to heal baby umbilical cords. Begging the question, did it really take an expert to determine that?

5. A lawyer in Russia has been arrested after closed circuit video caught him eating a crucial piece of evidence against his client. “Do you mind if I take a look at that arrest warrant?” said the lawyer as he put on a dinner bib and licked his lips.

6. A Noah’s Ark themed amusement park being built in Kentucky has been granted $18 million in state tax breaks. Noah claimed his wife, his kids and 52,378 animals as dependents.

7. A man walking on the lower east side of Manhattan was punched in the face because, according to his attacker, he looked like Shia LaBeouf. But, in the attacker’s defense, it could have been Shia LaBeouf.

8. A couple ran a half marathon immediately after getting married at the race’s starting line. Which is strange, because you usually have to wait until your wedding night for your nipples to bleed.

9. Ted Cruz and John Kasich have agreed to work together to prevent Donald Trump from securing the Republican nomination and, as a result, the Kasich campaign has pulled the plug on Indiana. Which, coincidentally, is the plot to the next “Indiana Jones” movie staring 73-year-old Harrison Ford.

10. NBA Commissioner Adam Silver announced last week that the league will move next year’s All Star Game out of North Carolina if the state doesn’t change it’s anti-LGBT law. Most teams supported the announcement, while the Philadelphia 76ers said, “The NBA has an All Star game?”

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