April 26, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. In the wake of New England quarterback Tom Brady’s 4-game suspension being reinstated, on Monday, Republican frontrunner Donald Trump said “Leave Tom Brady alone!” I don’t know about president, but, with that attitude, he’d make a great New York Jets defensive coordinator.

2. Top executives at ABC have personally apologized to Kelly Ripa for last week’s bungled announcement about the departure of her co-host Michael Strahan. Well, while ABC execs are at it, how bout apologizing for giving Rob Schneider a tv show.

3. The music of Prince soared to the top of the weekly U.S. Billboard 200 album chart on Monday after the singer’s sudden death last week. If that’s the case, I can’t wait for Justin Bieber to have the number one album in the world.

4. A U.S. appeals court on Monday restored the four-game “Deflategate” suspension of New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, which he will serve at the beginning of next season. And, in even worse news, Denver Broncos quarterback Mark Sanchez remains eligible to play all 16 games next season.

5. On Monday, conservative radio personality Alex Jones claimed that Beyonce’s new album “Lemonade,” which released over the weekend, was funded by the CIA with the purpose of starting a race war. After which, Jones heard an NWA song and his head exploded.

6. A new study has revealed, smoking marijuana heavily during teenage years may lead to an early death. But, on the plus-side, it doesn’t take long for your life to flash before your eyes because you didn’t live that long and you can’t remember most of it.

7. According to a new study, bed bugs might dislike certain colors. And, in related news, bed bugs are now leading the Republican presidential race.

8. A New York woman was arrested on Monday for deficating on her boss’ desk after the woman won the lottery over the weekend. So I guess she chose the one lump sum option.

9. According to a new study, nine out of ten Americans have prayed to heal themselves when experiencing health problems. And it’s not because they’re religious, it’s because that’s the only thing their insurance covers.

10. Police in Hollywood, Florida are looking for a man who robbed a local business while wearing in a floor-length strapless gown. But they always say, dress for the job you want.

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