1. On Wednesday, a high school basketball player in Canada was arrested after it was discovered that he was 30-years-old. School officials because suspicious when he had the skills of LeBron James and also the hairline of LeBron James.
2. During Tuesday’s state primary, officials confirmed that over 125,000 people were missing from the New York City voter rolls. Luckily, I found all of them walking on the sidewalk ahead of me while I was trying to get to work.
3. Former New York Giant Michael Strahan is leaving his morning hosting job on “Live with Kelly & Michael” to become a full-time anchor on “Good Morning America.” Which is ironic because “a full-time anchor” is how you can describe anyone playing for the Jets.
4. Over the weekend, a couple was caught having sex in the stands of a Mets-Indians baseball game in Cleveland. Said the embarrassed couple, “Please don’t tell our friends and family we were at an Indians game.”
5. Judaism’s Conservative movement has lifted a ban in place since the 13th century prohibiting Jews from eating rice during Passover. Said Jews, “Any new developments on bacon?”
6. On Monday, Hillary Clinton told a black radio host that she always carries hot sauce in her purse. Asked why, Clinton said, “Because her purse can’t fit a watermelon.”
7. During their family town hall event on CNN last week, Ted Cruz revealed that his daughters play a game with him called attack the daddy. During which his daughters attack other men and pray to god they are their real daddy.
8. Last week, HP unveiled the world’s thinnest laptop. Whereupon Harrison Ford immediately married it.
9. In a candid interview with many revelations, Monica Lewkinsky opened up about her affair with President Clinton saying “the shame sticks to you like tar.” Although, the most interesting revelation in the article is that Lewinsky’s go to 3-letter work for a stick substance is ‘tar.’
10. It was announced over the weekend that NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden is now an electronic dance music artist and is set to release his first techno song this May. Okay, now I’m on board with arresting him.