April 23, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Thursday, pop icon Prince was found dead in his home in Minneapolis. But, then again, is anyone in Minneapolis really living?

2. Yesterday, Queen Elizabeth turned 90-years-old on the same day that singer Prince died. Resulting in Prince Charles’ nightmare headline, “Queen Elizabeth Outlives Prince.”

3. This week, “Time Magazine” revealed its annual “100 most influential people” list, which listed every remaining presidential candidate except for John Kasich. Which is unsurprising because if Kasich had any sense of Time he would have dropped out a long time ago.

4. A new study suggests that one half of the brain remains on high alert during the first night of sleep in a new space. “But there are ways around that,” said Bill Cosby.

5. On Wednesday, a high school basketball player in Canada was arrested after it was discovered that he was 30-years-old. School officials because suspicious when he had the skills of LeBron James and also the hairline of LeBron James.

6. In an interview with “Time Magazine,” actor James Franco said he is “a little gay.” So maybe he’d be better at hosting the Tonys.

7. Only 22 people showed up for a Ted Cruz rally in Philadelphia on Wednesday. Even worse, eight of them left when Cruz showed up.

8. More than 50 runners from 18 countries braved Arctic temperatures and the threat of polar bears on Saturday to race in the North Pole Marathon in temperatures that fell to -41 degrees. The winner was Dorn Wenninger, of the United States, while the loser was common sense.

9. On Monday, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz said, if elected, he would not ban sexual devices like he attempted to do in Texas. Although he said he would combat illicit sexual desires by showing his weird, unsettling face at as many public appearances as possible.

10. Cirque du Soleil said on Friday it was canceling shows in North Carolina over a new state law that is viewed as anti-LGBT. Begging the question, why was Cirque du Soleil going to North Carolina in the first place?

11. A new study has found that women living in greener areas tend to live longer. Which is great news for everyone but the women living in this green area:
jets

12. Bolivia’s president Evo Morales went to the Vatican on Friday and told Pope Francis that he should chew coca leaf for his health. Which explains how on Sunday Pope Francis was able to recite 100 “Hail Mary’s” in ten seconds.

13. Bolivia’s president Evo Morales went to the Vatican on Friday and told Pope Francis that he should chew coca leaf for his health. He already wears all white, if he starts doing coke, the Pope should just move to Miami to get it over with.

14. During last week’s family town hall, Ted Cruz’s wife Heidi revealed that shortly after they married Ted returned home from the grocery store with 100 cans of Campbell’s soup. And the only thing more disappointing than Ted Cruz returning home with 100 cans of soup is Ted Cruz returning home.

15. 101-year-old Eleanor Bessin is getting a second chance at prom thanks to a high school in Miami. And, although it may be a bummer to take a 101-year-old woman to prom as your date, you can’t get her pregnant.

16. A Brazilian man who has dedicated his life to trying to look like a Ken doll with plastic surgeries was reportedly admitted to the hospital after his nose began rotting. But, on the plus-side, at least now his outside matches his inside.

17. A group of around 100 Bernie Sanders supporters showered Hillary Clinton’s motorcade in 1,000 single-dollar bills as the 2016 Democratic presidential candidate drove to a fundraiser in Los Angeles. But, Hillary refused to speak to the angry masses because they were $199,000 shy of her normal speaking fee.

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