April 21, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Harriet Tubman will become the first woman in more than a century to appear on U.S. paper currency when she replaces former President Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill. They considered Hillary Clinton, but, as her husband will tell you, she refuses to be on any bills.

2. Activists in a group supporting marijuana legalization said on Wednesday that White House officials had invited them to a meeting next week to talk about issues surrounding the substance. Said the White House, “That meeting was scheduled for last week.”

3. Today is Queen Elizabeth’s 90th birthday. And, to celebrate, Prince Charles is throwing her a surprise party with lots of loud noises and people jumping out at her because, according to him, “You never know what’ll do it.”

4. On Wednesday, Canada’s liberal government said it will introduce a law in spring 2017 to legalize recreational marijuana use. Ain’t it just like stoners to put off doing something for a year.

5. A new filter on messaging app Snapchat that allows users to look like the late reggae singer Bob Marley sparked a backlash on social media on Wednesday, with many calling it racially insensitive. Then they’re really not gonna like the MLK filter:
rifle sights

6. According to reports, the University of Georgia paid rapper Ludacris $65,000 for a 15-minute concert at a football game. I mean, I know as a state Georgia is behind the times, but $65K for Ludacris? It’s not 1997.

7. The Latvian government is working on a bill that would ban the use of face-covering Islamic veils, despite the fact that only three women in the entire country wear them. Then they saw Karen’s face and decided she could keep hers.

8. A naked restaurant is set to open in London. It’s the only place in the world where the phrase “Jewish people tip less” has two meanings.

9. A California judge on Wednesday rejected a bid by Sumner Redstone’s granddaughter challenging the 92-year-old billionaire’s mental competency. Redstone celebrated the courtroom victory by yelling “pretzel” while licking his shoe.

10. In an interview with “Time Magazine,” actor James Franco said he is “a little gay.” Begging the question, if Franco’s “a little gay,” then what’s Michael Cera’s nickname?

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