April 20, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. During Tuesday’s state primary, officials confirmed that over 125,000 people were missing from the New York City voter rolls. Luckily, I found all of them walking on the sidewalk ahead of me while I was trying to get to work.

2. U.S. Chief Justice John Roberts used sign language from the Supreme Court bench on Tuesday as he welcomed a dozen deaf lawyers who took part in a ceremony authorizing them to argue cases before the court. The best part of the attorneys using sign language to argue their case was that it they could do so without waking up Justice Thomas.

3. On Tuesday, a Croatian umpire who officiated at the U.S. Open while serving a 12-month suspension was been banned for 10 years. Said the umpire, “So I’ll see you next year that the Open?”

4. Last night, New York City’s Empire State Building was lit red to signify Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s win in the state’s primary on Tuesday. Because, apparently, the building doesn’t have the capability of lighting itself orange.

5. A Jerusalem brewery has produced a craft beer with a taste it says dates back to the time of Jesus. Which is ridiculous, because if I wanted to drink a beer that tastes like it’s been sitting around for centuries, I drink a Miller Light.

6. In a trailer for a new documentary focusing on Chris Brown, the singer said, after the backlash he received from assaulting his then-girlfriend Rihanna, he had dreams of committing suicide. Hey Chris, if I’ve learned anything from your music, it’s not to give up on your dreams.

7. Former New York Giant Michael Strahan is leaving his morning hosting job on “Live with Kelly & Michael” to become a full-time anchor on “Good Morning America.” Which is ironic because “a full-time anchor” is how you can describe anyone playing for the Jets.

8. Over the weekend, a couple was caught having sex in the stands of a Mets-Indians baseball game in Cleveland. Said the embarrassed couple, “Please don’t tell our friends and family we were at an Indians game.”

9. According to a new report, air pollution will kill over 200,000 people in the U.K. in the next five years. Because, I assume, Coldplay music counts as air pollution.

10. A new study finds the children of same-sex parents are just as healthy emotionally and physically as the children of different-sex parents. And, in some cases, healthier:
lohans

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