April 15, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau unveiled draft legislation legalizing doctor-assisted suicide. “We could have solved a lot of problems if you had enacted this years earlier,” said Justin Bieber’s pediatrician.

2. Before Ted Cruz was a senator he defended a law that would have banned the sale of dildos. The use of fake dicks offended him because he is such a genuine dick.

3. Wednesday night CNN hosted a town hall with Donald Trump and his family. Trump said he was happy to be surrounded by loved ones, so I guess there were also mirrors on stage.

4. According to a new study, kids who are constantly sick early in childhood may have a much harder time in school than their peers who don’t have a history of chronic illness. That story again, being sick is bad, keep up the good work scientists.

5. A new poll has found that Bernie Sanders is the most likable of all the presidential candidates. So congratulations, you’re Khloe.

6. A nearly invisible train made from semi-reflective and semi-transparent materials is scheduled to debut in Tokyo in 2018. Or, maybe it’s already debuted.

7. An Iowa man was arrested over the weekend for masturbating for three hours while riding a bus. His fellow passengers on the city bus said the scene was so gross they could barely masturbate themselves.

8. A team of sniffer dogs set up at a British airport at a cost of $1.7 million have proved adept at discovering small amounts of cheese and sausages but not so good at finding smuggled drugs. The report is kind of a mixed bag for Rob Ford. (I know he’s dead but until another fat drug addict steps forward he’s all I got)

9. According to new research, men in the top 1% of wealth can expect to live until age 87.3, nearly 15 years longer than those in the bottom 1%. Especially since men in the top 1% pay men in the bottom 1% to fight each other to the death for their amusement.

10. Bernie Sanders’ campaign announced Friday that the Democratic presidential candidate will visit Vatican City on April 15th. And, if Bernie is granted an audience with the Pope, it will be one of the few times the Pope doesn’t have the most ridiculous thing on his head.

11. Last week, a San Diego mother was asked to leave Disneyland for showing too much cleavage. When asked for a comment, Roger Rabbit said:
roger rabbit

12. Afghanistan’s version of “Sesame Street” has introduced a new six-year-old girl puppet named Zari. She will be just like all the other puppets except no one will teach her the letter of the day.

13. Last week, a 25-year-old woman in India, who thought she was pregnant with one baby, went into labor two months early and surprisingly gave birth to five babies. Good thing India doesn’t have an over-population problem.

14. Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band have canceled an upcoming show in North Carolina, in response to the state’s recently enacted anti-LGBT law. Said Nickelback, “We’ve done that before. ‘LGBT’ stands for ‘Lack of General-population Buying Tickets’ right?”

15. A New Jersey Man who has been flying a Donald Trump campaign flag in his front yard may face jail time for illegally posting political signage more than 30 days before an election. The flag, much like Trump himself, is even more offensive when the winds picks up:
trump hair

16. Three castaways were rescued on Thursday after a U.S Navy aircraft spotted the word ‘help’ spelled out with palm leaves on the beach of a remote Pacific Island. “A concise and thought out plan to get off an island, what a novel idea,” said the writers of “Lost.”

17. The owners of an apartment complex in Michigan have forced all tenants to give DNA samples of their dogs so that they can determine who is not picking up after their pet. And here is an image of them scientifically collecting that data:
dog hump

18. The company that created Viagra has called off a planned merger with the company that created Botox that would have created the largest pharmaceutical company in the world. So, for the now, the largest pharmaceutical company remains Courtney Love’s medicine cabinet.

19. President Obama said the worst mistake of his presidency was a lack of foresight regarding the 2011 toppling and death of Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi. “Ditto” said Gadhafi.

20. Famed Spanish magician Sticky Vicky has retired at the age of 72. Said Vicky, “And now, for my final trick, is this your AARP card?”

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