April 14, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, a 72-year-old woman and her dog were rescued after spending nine days lost in the Arizona wilderness. Unfortunately, she used to have two dogs.

2. Yesterday, U2 lead singer Bono told the U.S. Senate that he thinks they should combat ISIS with comedy by sending Amy Schumer, Chris Rock and Sasha Baron Cohen over there. Which, is not surprising, because as any iTunes user will tell you, Bono has a history of sending things to people who don’t want them.

3. During a Q&A session on Wednesday, actress Gwyneth Paltrow said she would rather smoke crack than eat spray cheese. “Why’s it got to be an either/or thing?” said the ghost of Rob Ford.

4. It was reported on Wednesday that actor Ben Affleck will not only star in, but also direct, the next Batman movie. “Well, he is very good at two-timing,” said Jennifer Garner.

5. Nearly 40,000 Verizon workers walked off the job on Wednesday in one of the largest U.S. strikes in recent years after contract talks hit an impasse. And I know what it’s like to have a conversation suddenly end because I have a Verizon cell phone.

6. According to a new study, People who eat a lot of fast food may be exposed to higher amounts of certain chemicals in plastics that may cause cancer. But don’t worry, the diabetes will probably get you before the cancer.

7. Last night was future-Hall-of-Famer Kobe Bryant’s last game in the NBA. After which Kobe took the microphone and thanked his “teammates,” because he doesn’t know any of their names.

8. A new study found that the human body responds to sex the same way it responds to working out. “Do you have any other examples?” said Star Wars fans.

9. An Ohio man paralyzed in an accident is now able to use his hand to play guitar and pick up a bottle thanks to a small computer chip implanted in his brain. The man celebrated by grabbing a bottle of lotion and kicking everyone out of the room.

10. According to reports, NBA team owners are expected to vote this week to allow the placement of corporate logos on jerseys, beginning in the 2017-2018 season. The way it will work is the highest bidder will have the choice of putting their logo on a team jersey or their rival’s logo on the Knicks’ jerseys.

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