April 13, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. BuzzFeed fell a stunning $80 million short of projected revenues last year and has reportedly slashed its projections for 2016 in half. Which explains the article featured on their homepage today entitled “10 BuzzFeed employees that need to start looking for a new job.”

2. Tulane University’s Kappa Alpha fraternity has built a sandbag wall around it’s house with the words “Make America Great Again” and “Trump” spray-painted on it. So, I think for once, I’ll be rooting for the hurricane.

3. In a recent interview, actress Scarlett Johansson hinted that her marriage to fellow actor Ryan Reynolds ended because they were too competitive. Scarlett, I saw “The Green Lantern,” you won.

4. Authorities are offering a reward of up to $25,000 for information leading to the recovery of Andy Warhol paintings stolen from a Missouri museum last week. There were two witnesses, unfortunately they aren’t talking:
american gothic

5. CBS and Turner Broadcasting have signed an $8.8 billion, eight-year extension of their agreement to broadcast the NCAA’s Division 1 Men’s Basketball Championship. I know that seems like a lot but you have to remember that figure is before the college athletes take their $0 cut.

6. A New York playwright filed a lawsuit on Monday claiming $20 million in damages and seeking to block Friday’s opening in movie theaters of “Barbershop: The Next Cut,” that he claims rips off his stage play “Scissors.” And the playwright might have a point because his play sucks too.

7. According to an official consultation, the U.K. government is concerned that increasing numbers of young people are trying anal sex. “I don’t care how many people are trying it, the answer is still no,” said the government’s girlfriend.

8. A 52-year-old Canadian man who is married, with seven kids, has left his family to live his life as a transgender six-year-old girl. His wife broke the news gently to their children saying, “Kids, you’re father’s died.”

9. This week, 90-year-old Elena Griffing celebrated her 70th year working for the same San Francisco Bay Area hospital and said she has no plans of retiring anytime soon. Those that know her call her “an inspiration” while Prince Charles calls her “a selfish old bitch.”

10. Italian cyclist Mattia Gavazzi could face a lifetime ban after he tested positive for cocaine for the third time in his career. Officials became suspicious that Gavazzi could be using again when he won a race and he wasn’t on a bike.

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