April 12, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new book, Kris Jenner spent years begging Bruce, now Caitlyn, Jenner to pray away his desire for a sex change. Proving, much like the Kardashians themselves, pray doesn’t work.

2. Authorities in Iowa said a woman wanted for a probation violation was found inside her home, hiding in her oven. Said the woman’s husband, “Oh, so she does know where the oven is.”

3. Donald Trump’s kids Eric and Ivanka will be unable to vote for their dad in today’s New York primary because they missed the state’s voter registration deadline. While his other kids will be unable to vote for their dad because they listened to his speeches.

4. Police are looking for a man who allegedly broke into a Five Guys restaurant in Washington, D.C. and cooked himself two cheeseburgers. “I know what you’re thinking,” said this guy:
Hamburglar

5. According to a new study, unemployed smokers have more difficulty finding a job. Yeah, they’re called stoners.

6. Former British drug smuggler Howard Marks who wrote about his exploits in an autobiography “Mr Nice” has died at the age of 70. The family asks that mourners send flowers *wink* *wink*.

7. According to a Washington Post report, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has given $0 of his own money to any charity over the past five years. Come on, the man gave jobs to Gary Busey and Dennis Rodman, isn’t that charity enough?

8. A retired White House gardener is selling Hillary Clinton’s 1986 Oldsmobile Cutlass. Meanwhile, the only thing Republican Donald Trump ever got his gardner was deported.

9. The NFL is toying with the idea of using virtual reality technology as a diversity-training tool to allow employees to experience sexism, racism or bias. The NFL may also use the technology to allow the Cleveland Browns to experience a SuperBowl.

10. It was announced on Friday, that during this summer’s Olympic Games in Brazil, the United States men’s basketball teams will be staying on a cruise ship docked in the port of Rio. “Fun, I’ve never been on a non-sinking ship,” said Knicks forward Carmelo Anthony.

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