April 11, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Someone is trying to sell an amphibious Lamborghini on eBay for over $26,000. Because you’re penis doesn’t stop being small just because you’re no longer on land.

2. On Friday, a 27-year-old California man was rescued by a helicopter after he climbed a cliff to propose to his girlfriend. He wasn’t in danger of falling, the helicopter pilot just knew the man’s girlfriend and decided to save him.

3. A Miami father was given five months probation for allowing his 16-year-old daughter to repeatedly dance at a local strip club. But how good of a stripper could she really be if her father is still in her life?

4. Police in New York are searching for a teenage girl who stabbed a 13-year-old boy on the subway after a friend of his called her ugly. So, you’ve been warned, police sketch artist.

5. A bride-to-be has started an online campaign that has gone viral to get actor Tom Hanks to give her away on her wedding day. And, even though she didn’t request it, Peter Scolari will be parking cars.

6. Musician Vince Neil and actor Nic Cage got into a fight in Las Vegas Thursday. First the “National Treasure” movies, now Neil, what’s it with Cage taking on ancient relics?

7. A North Carolina bakery has introduced a blunt-shaped doughnut in honor of rapper Snoop Dogg’s performance at a local music festival. This on the heels of the special donut the bakery made for rapper Rick Ross, which was just a bunch of donuts put together to make a larger donut.

8. In an interview with TMZ Sports on Friday, free-agent quarterback Johnny Manziel said he hasn’t been drinking while in Los Angeles. Which makes sense because he gave the interview in Kansas City.

9. On Friday, a key Donald Trump campaign strategist said “winning isn’t enough, it’s about how you win and how much you win.” “0 for 3,” said Jeb.

10. Bernie Sanders’ campaign announced Friday that the Democratic presidential candidate will visit Vatican City this week. And hopefully the 74-year-old Jew and the Pope will walk into a bar so we can finally hear how that joke ends.

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