1. According to court records U.S. women’s national team legend Abby Wambach has admitted using cocaine and marijuana while a member of the USWNT. Shit, you’d do drugs too if you were forced to watch soccer all day.

2. Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump has canceled a planned news conference in California on Friday to keep campaigning in New York. California hasn’t been this grateful to New York since the Dodgers moved.

3. A five-year-old girl who is gradually going blind met Pope Francis on Wednesday as part of her “visual bucket list.” The girl said certain things on the list, like meeting Mickey Rourke, can wait until after she goes completely blind.

4. Tuesday night, a man in Edmonton broke into a gym to workout while wearing woman’s clothing. Man, I guess I really don’t understand how CrossFit works.

5. This week, a New Mexico county spend $5,000 on a billboard to remind motorists that “April is County Government Month.” And, with wasteful spending like that, I’m betting May will be Elect a New Government Month.

6. A Stanford University team determined that when human subjects are instructed to touch the private areas of a human-like robot, the humans become aroused. The study was conducted by following Ann Romney around for a week.

7. A woman was rescued Monday morning from the restroom at the West Waco library where she had been trapped since Saturday evening. So good luck to that woman in explaining to her friends in Texas how she got stuck in a bathroom and what a library is.

8. Under a new bill signed into law in Wisconsin on Monday, employers must provide leave to employees who are absent because they are donating an organ. And yet, when I offer to ‘donate my organ’ to Brenda in accounting, I have to talk to HR about it.

9. Last week, a Florida woman reportedly hired a stripper for her 8-year-old son’s birthday party. So, for once, a stripper wasn’t the worst mother in the room.

10. Last Thursday, Canada’s Interior Minister John McCallum said his country would take an additional 10,000 Syrian refugees. “Alright, fuck it, we’ll build two walls,” said Trump.