April 8, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump missed his new grandson’s circumcision to campaign in Wisconsin. Which is good, because it means there was only one dick who needed a little off the top in the room.

2. According to court records U.S. women’s national team legend Abby Wambach has admitted using cocaine and marijuana while a member of the USWNT. Shit, you’d do drugs too if you were forced to watch soccer all day.

3. Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump has canceled a planned news conference in California on Friday to keep campaigning in New York. California hasn’t been this grateful to New York since the Dodgers moved.

4. A dachshund that garnered internet attention for being extremely obese, has lost 38 pounds, or half its body weight, in the past 8 months. Not surprisingly, after the weight loss, most black labs have lost all interest in the slimmer pooch.

5. A dachshund appropriately named “Fat Vincent,” has lost 38 pounds, or half its body weight, in just 8 months. Veterinarians are calling it nothing short of a miracle, while hungry Chinese people are calling it a shame.

6. On Thursday, it embarrassingly took presidential candidate Hillary Clinton several tries to past a turnstile and get into the New York City subway. “Serves her right for trying to hoard in on my fundraising strategy,” said Bernie Sanders:
subway dancer

7. There is a new trend of people sending photos of their genitalia to their doctors. And there is also a new trend of doctors saying their phones can’t zoom in that much.

8. On Thursday, FBI Director James Comey said the Bureau’s secret method for unlocking the iPhone 5c used by one of the San Bernardino shooters will not work on newer models. So you hear that terrorists, get newer iPhones.

9. A rare, pear-shaped, vivid pink diamond will go under the hammer in Geneva next month, where auctioneers expect it to fetch up to $38 million. “If you like pear-shaped and pink, then I’m your man,” said Mario Batali.

10. On Tuesday, The Wall Street Journal reported that Amazon is set to release a new Kindle with a rechargeable protective case for a better battery life. And, with a longer battery life, you’ll be able to take your Kindle more places and explain to people why you don’t own an iPad.

11. On Tuesday, NBA superstar LeBron James topped the Power 100 list of the world’s most marketable athlete. While A-Rod has heard of the list.

12. Comedian Bill Cosby won the right on Monday to delay providing evidence, including DNA, in a lawsuit in Massachusetts. Which is surprising because Cosby has never been shy about supplying a DNA sample, whether requested or not.

13. The wooden dining chair that author J.K. Rowling sat in while she wrote the “Harry Potter” books is going up for auction in New York. Not to be outdone, also up for auction is the sofa Ben Affleck napped on while Matt Damon wrote “Good Will Hunting.

14. A dentist office in Illinois is using a golden retriever named JoJo as a dental assistant. Because who’s a better advocate for flossing regularly than someone who eats their own poop.

15. This week, Walmart pulled a University of Maryland t-shirt that it was selling because mistakenly bore the shape of the state of Massachusetts. Although, if there’s one thing Walmart customers shouldn’t be critical of, it’s the shape things are in.

16. According to reports, Alaska Airlines is nearing a deal to acquire Virgin America for more than $2 billion. But they should be careful because the last time an Alaskan thought they had a virgin the country got introduced to Levi Johnston.

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