April 7, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Earlier this week, while trying to court the vote in Wisconsin, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz said he “likes cheese on his cheese.” And, from the way he looks, I’m willing to bet it’s the first honest thing he’s ever said.

2. Islamic State militants in Syria are netting between $150 million and $200 million a year from illicit trade in plundered antiquities. This according to a very awkward episode of “Antiques Roadshow.”

3. A five-year-old girl who is gradually going blind met Pope Francis on Wednesday as part of her “visual bucket list.” The girl said certain things on the list, like meeting Mickey Rourke, can wait until after she goes completely blind.

4. In a recent interview, Donald Trump said acting more presidential would make his campaign “boring as hell.” “C’mon man, I only say nice things about you,” said the Devil.

5. Tuesday night, a man in Edmonton broke into a gym to workout while wearing woman’s clothing. Man, I guess I really don’t understand how CrossFit works.

6. This week, a New Mexico county spend $5,000 on a billboard to remind motorists that “April is County Government Month.” And, with wasteful spending like that, I’m betting May will be Elect a New Government Month.

7. The Tennessee House passed a bill on Wednesday allowing mental health counselors to refuse service to patients on religious grounds. Begging the question, what if the patient’s religious beliefs are that he is God?

8. In an interview published over the weekend, ex-wife of Donald Trump, Czech-born Ivana Trump, said we need immigrants in America to vacuum and clean up after us. So, basically do all the jobs no one else wants to do, like marry Donald Trump.

9. A 25-year-old man with multiple face tattoos was arrested in Florida on Wednesday for burglary. Florida, the only place where you put out an APB for a guy with a face tattoo and you’re told to be more specific.

10. A toy company is making a Chucky doll, the killer doll from the “Child’s Play” movies, that can be possessed by the murderer of your choice. It’s the perfect doll for any kid that isn’t having enough nightmares.

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