April 6, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. A Stanford University team determined that when human subjects are instructed to touch the private areas of a human-like robot, the humans become aroused. The study was conducted by following Ann Romney around for a week.

2. A woman was rescued Monday morning from the restroom at the West Waco library where she had been trapped since Saturday evening. So good luck to that woman in explaining to her friends in Texas how she got stuck in a bathroom and what a library is.

3. Icelandic Prime Minister Sigmundur Gunnlaugsson stepped down Tuesday as a result of the Panama Papers leaks that linked him to an offshore tax shelter. The Prime Minister resigned after failing to convince the Icelandic people that the Sigmundur Gunnlaugsson mentioned in the papers was a different Sigmundur Gunnlaugsson.

4. According to a new Reuters poll, Ted Cruz and Donald Trump are in a “dead heat” now for the Republican presidential nomination. Note to Reuters, in the future, you might want to use a different phrase, because you got my hopes up until I read the word ‘heat.’

5. Mexico’s government on Tuesday unexpectedly changed two of its top officials responsible for U.S. relations, citing concerns about an increasingly anti-Mexican climate across the border. Although Donald Trump was disappointed when those two new open positions were filled by Mexicans.

6. Facebook is launching a new feature that will describe an image, so that visually impaired people will be able to hear, and therefore visualize, what’s in a photo posted on the social network. The feature a just a recording of someone saying “It’s another picture of your friend’s ugly baby” played on a loop.

7. Surgeons in Brazil saved a man’s hand from being amputated by having it sewn into his stomach. I believe we have a picture of the patient resting comfortably post-surgery:

8. Twitter is offering a new feature that will make it easier for users to share tweets privately with friends. Or, as they are more commonly known, texts, you invented texts, Twitter.

9. According to a new report, European Union citizens spend over $27.28 billion on illicit drugs every year. Which can only mean one thing, Keith Richards hasn’t given up his European citizenship.

10. According to a joint statement, actress Drew Barrymore and her husband Will Kopelman are divorcing. So, it sounds like Kopelman finally got around to seeing “Blended.”

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