April 4, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. The Los Angeles Police Department has confirmed that a knife found on property previously owned by O.J. Simpson is not connected to the 1994 murder case of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman. Begging the question, who did O.J. murder with that knife?

2. Hong Kong native Ricky Ma has built a robot from scratch that looks like his favorite movie star, Scarlett Johansson. As a result, Ma even received a letter from Johansson herself, that is if you consider a restraining order a letter.

3. On Friday, the 9-67 Philadelphia 76ers lost to the Charlotte Bobcats to clinch the worst record in the NBA this year. The Sixers celebrated by putting corks back into champagne bottles.

4. Last week, a Florida woman reportedly hired a stripper for her 8-year-old son’s birthday party. So, for once, a stripper wasn’t the worst mother in the room.

5. On Friday, in England a group of children formed a human arrow to point a police helicopter in the direction of two suspected burglars on the run. “From my experience, nothing good comes when kids start pointing out things,” said Jerry Sandusky.

6. Last Thursday, Canada’s Interior Minister John McCallum said his country would take an additional 10,000 Syrian refugees. “Alright, fuck it, we’ll build two walls,” said Trump.

7. On Friday, night, the three men vying to be the Libertarian party’s presidential nominee debated each other on Fox News. Although they didn’t get a chance to debate the issues because the moderator kept laughing every time he said the phrase “If elected president…”

8. The U.K. Anti-Doping said it was “deeply concerned and shocked” by a Sunday Times report in which a British doctor alleged he had prescribed banned performance-enhancing substances to 150 athletes. But, in the doctor’s defense, in the U.K., toothpaste is considered a banned substance.

9. Starting Friday, Walmart customers can save $100 on all Apple iPhones or $150 on all Samsung phones through the end of June. Not to be outdone, they’ll pay you to buy a Blackberry.

10. For April Fools, online pornography website PornHub changed its name to CornHub and solely featured pictures of ears of corn. Said men living in Iowa, “Even better!”

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