10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. An 11-year-old girl from Texas landed a multi-million deal with Whole Foods for the supermarket chain to sell her homemade lemonade. Unfortunately, even with the deal, she will be unable to turn a profit because she buys her lemons from Whole Foods.

2. Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump said on Wednesday that women who end pregnancies should face punishment if the U.S. bans abortion, triggering a torrent of criticism from both sides of the abortion debate. Trump then clarified his position saying he believes all women, regardless of whether they are pregnant or not, should be punished.

3. In a recent interview, lesbian singer-songwriter Melissa Etheridge said that in 1990 her and her then-partner Julie Cypher settled on David Crosby as their sperm donor after also considering their good friend Brad Pitt. She choose David Crosby over Brad Pitt, so yeah, she’s a lesbian alright.

4. On Sunday, Ivanka Trump, daughter of the Republican front-runner Donald Trump, announced that she had given birth to a baby boy. The baby has his father’s eyes, his mother’s nose and his grandfather’s understanding of foreign policy.

5. Pop singer Miley Cyrus will be a judge on NBC’s “The Voice” next season. So, when she turns her chair around, for once in her life, she’ll think the room is spinning and be right.

6. A Georgia teacher has resigned after surveillance video appears to show her knocking a special needs student to the floor in a school hallway. But, in the teacher’s defense, it’s gotta be pretty hard to tell the difference between the special needs and regular students in Georgia.

7. According to a new report, kids have brought more than 185 guns into American schools since the start of this academic year. But, to be fair, most of them were brought in for Show and Don’t You Fucking Tell Anybody.

8. A Texas house that is decorated with thousands of beer cans its owner consumed over the past twenty years is for sale. It’s a two bedroom, two bath, but, when you drink that much beer, every room becomes a bathroom.

9. A group of swingers in England will hold a mass orgy at a local resort to help raise cash for a cancer charity. Although most of the money raised will go towards hosing down the resort afterwards.

10. Authorities in China’s capital will extend leave from work for new mothers and fathers, state media reported on Friday, to encourage families to have more children. Of course, once the six month leave is up the mother, father and child must go back to work.

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