April 1, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Five top players for the World Cup champion U.S. women’s soccer team have filed a federal wage discrimination complaint claiming they are paid less than male players even though they generate more income for the United States Soccer Federation. “Wait, you guys are getting paid?” said WNBA players.

2. Today is April Fools Day. Or, as it’s known this year, the last day for this whole Trump thing to make sense.

3. Recently, political commentator Glenn Beck said Ted Cruz was anointed by God to become president. Which is funny, because I was pretty sure Cruz’s success was evidence that there is no God.

4. During a recent Republican town hall a woman asked John Kasich if he would consider a female as his running mate, to which Kasich responded, “Are you available? You look great tonight.” “You know, this guy is sounding more presidential every day,” said Bill Clinton.

5. Police in New York City are looking for a man who was seen on the J train this week blowing kisses at other riders while masturbating. Even more disgusting, sometimes he switched hands.

6. Police in New York City are looking for a man who was seen on the J train this week blowing kisses at other riders while masturbating. But, since it was the J train, police are going to have to be more specific.

7. Fernando Estrella, a 41-year-old man from the Bronx, was charged with drug trafficking and after authorities in Vermont discovered 1,428 bags of heroin hidden in his body. Which is why his friends call him Fernando “Clown Car” Estrella.

8. German Interior Minister Thomas de Maiziere said he is planning a new law that will require refugees to learn German and integrate into society, or else lose their permanent right of residence. And there’s nothing more comforting than when a high-ranking German official uses the phrase “or else.”

9. The parents of a ten-year-old boy in Oklahoma took there son to the hospital due to flu-like symptoms, but were shocked when x-rays revealed he had eaten eight magnets. Unsurprisingly, the magnets weren’t missed since the boy who thought it would be a good idea to eat eight magnets hasn’t brought home school work deemed fridge-worthy in a long time.

10. A male model known for his ‘man-bun’ hairdo says the hairstyle started in and is thus owned by Canada. “You can have it!” said the rest of the world.

11. Former Charlotte Bobcat Adam Morrison is prepared for the end of the world revealing recently that he has an apocalypse bunker supplied with guns and food. Morrison thought, or at least hoped, the world was coming to end once he got drafted by the Bobcats.

12. A new study found that starting the day with a cold shower can increase male fertility. Which makes sense because Kevin Federline’s landlord turned off his hot water 12 years ago.

13. Mexicans celebrating an Easter ritual late on Saturday burnt effigies of U.S. Republican presidential hopeful Donald Trump. And yet, somehow, the real Donald Trump still looks more burnt.

14. A Saudi man has been arrested for flying the rainbow gay-pride flag above his home in Jeddah. Said the disappointed man, “I was hoping the firefighters from my calendar would come and arrest me.”

15. Microsoft has unveiled its newest technology, the HoloLens, which allows people to view a live hologram of a person in another location. The technological advancements we’ve made in this generation are astonishing … and it’s already being used to send dick pics.

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