March 31, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. An 11-year-old girl from Texas landed a multi-million deal with Whole Foods for the supermarket chain to sell her homemade lemonade. Unfortunately, even with the deal, she will be unable to turn a profit because she buys her lemons from Whole Foods.

2. The Library of Congress will no longer use the words “illegal” and “alien” to describe undocumented immigrants after Dartmouth College students petitioned for the change. Although the Library of Congress will continue to use the words ‘whiny’ and ‘pretentious’ to describe Dartmouth students.

3. Videos emerged this week of an unidentified object apparently colliding with the planet Jupiter. Scientists have theorized that it may have been an asteroid, a shooting star or an alien spacecraft driven by an alien Billy Joel.

4. According to a new poll, nearly two-thirds of Americans believe torture can be justified to extract information from suspected terrorists. Luckily there are ways of convincing the other third.

5. A 59-year-old Florida man is suing William Shatner for $170 million dollars claiming that the actor is his father. And he may have a case, because during the press conference, the man took a painfully long time to get through most sentences.

6. A U.S. Border Patrol agents’ union, which says it represents 16,500 agents, is endorsing Donald Trump for president. They know he wants to replace them with a wall right?

7. Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump said on Wednesday that women who end pregnancies should face punishment if the U.S. bans abortion, triggering a torrent of criticism from both sides of the abortion debate. Trump then clarified his position saying he believes all women, regardless of whether they are pregnant or not, should be punished.

8. Los Angeles Lakers rookie point guard D’Angelo Russell admitted he felt “sick” during a public apology he issued on Wednesday for secretly filming team mate Nick Young talking about sleeping with women other than his fiancé. So now he has something in common with fans who were forced to watch the Lakers this season.

9. On Monday night, Fox News reporter Geraldo Rivera was voted off “Dancing with the Stars.” So at least America got that vote right.

10. NBC says it has sold $1 billion in national ads for the Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro. And, surprisingly, only half of them feature Flo from Progressive.

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