March 30, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. While Bernie Sanders was giving a speech at a recent campaign rally a bird landed on the podium he was standing behind. So apparently 74-year-old Bernie has the endorsement of both Mother Nature and Father Time.

2. In a recent interview, lesbian singer-songwriter Melissa Etheridge said that in 1990 her and her then-partner Julie Cypher settled on David Crosby as their sperm donor after also considering their good friend Brad Pitt. She choose David Crosby over Brad Pitt, so yeah, she’s a lesbian alright.

3. On Tuesday, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker endorsed Ted Cruz for president. Walker’s exact words were, “I guess.”

4. This week, two strangers in China got married and then divorce within 48 hours as a piece of performance art to stir up debate about the meaning of the institution of marriage. So maybe Larry King is our generation’s greatest artist.

5. Senator Mark Kirk of Illinois on Tuesday accused many of his fellow Senate Republicans of being “closed-minded” by refusing to consider President Obama’s Supreme Court nominee Merrick Garland. But, on the plus-side Senate Republicans, at least someone thinks you have a mind to begin with.

6. This week, professional pole dancer Jill MacLean, who danced just one week before her due date, announced that she gave birth to a “happy and healthy” baby boy. Although it seems very premature to label that boy ‘healthy.’

7. According to a new study, selecting online dating profile pictures where you exhibit proper posture nearly doubles the odds of success when compared to those with pictures where they are hunched over. “So you don’t want to come up to see the bell?” said Quasimodo.

8. After his campaign manager was arrested on Tuesday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump vowed to stand by him saying, “I just can’t stand by and watch a man’s life be destroyed.” “This seems like a new policy,” said Jeb Bush.

9. On Sunday, Ivanka Trump, daughter of the Republican front-runner Donald Trump, announced that she had given birth to a baby boy. So technically the baby will be able to say he remembers a time before President Trump ruined America.

10. Last week, after being given incorrect directions on Google Maps, a demolition crew demolished the wrong house in Texas. But, when you think about it, is there really a right house in Texas?

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