March 28, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Friday, before a spring training game in Arizona, two live bear cubs visited the Chicago Cubs’ clubhouse. Not to be outdone, Queen Elizabeth went 3 for 4 with a RBI for the Royals:

2. The home of former New England Patriots star tight end and convicted murderer Aaron Hernandez is on the market for $1.5 million. Man, if those walls could talk, they’d be taken out back and shot.

3. A Georgia teacher has resigned after surveillance video appears to show her knocking a special needs student to the floor in a school hallway. But, in the teacher’s defense, it’s gotta be pretty hard to tell the difference between the special needs and regular students in Georgia.

4. According to a new report, kids have brought more than 185 guns into American schools since the start of this academic year. But, to be fair, most of them were brought in for Show and Don’t You Fucking Tell Anybody.

5. A Texas house that is decorated with thousands of beer cans its owner consumed over the past twenty years is for sale. It’s a two bedroom, two bath, but, when you drink that much beer, every room becomes a bathroom.

6. A group of swingers in England will hold a mass orgy at a local resort to help raise cash for a cancer charity. Although most of the money raised will go towards hosing down the resort afterwards.

7. More than 23,000 people have signed a petition to allow firearms inside the Republican National Convention being held in Cleveland in July. What could go right?

8. On Friday, the Rolling Stones became the first major international rock band to play in Cuba, drawing hundreds of thousands of people to a free concert at a decrepit sports complex. Although, compared to the band, the sports complex looked brand new.

9. A former-single mother in Australia has married the sperm donor that contributed to the conception of her child. Which should make for a very confusing ‘birds and bees’ talk when that kid gets older.

10. Authorities in China’s capital will extend leave from work for new mothers and fathers, state media reported on Friday, to encourage families to have more children. Of course, once the six month leave is up the mother, father and child must go back to work.

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