10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. A new matchmaking services called Smell Dating has opened in New York which allows single people to pick out their perfect match by smelling the dirty T-shirts of potential dates. Which seems like a terrible idea because I’ve lived in New York City for ten years and never once thought, “Oh, that’s an interesting smell, I’d like to know more about it.”

2. Yesterday, Alex Rodriguez announced that he’ll retire once his current contract with the New York Yankees expires after the 2017 MLB season. After which he’ll undoubtedly spend more time at home with his loved ones:

arod

3. On Monday, Apple revealed a new, smaller iPhone. But, to be fair, it still looks huge in Donald Trump’s tiny hands.

4. Carnival Cruise Lines announced Monday that Cuban authorities will allow it to operate cruises to and from the country starting in May. Said Cubans, “We don’t want to get off this island that badly.”

5. Researchers in Australia have developed a new nanotechnology that allows clothes to clean themselves in the sun. Yet, when I do that to myself, I’m “scaring the neighbor’s kids.”

6. According to research, by eating less meat and more fruit and vegetables, the world could avoid several million deaths per year by 2050, cut planet-warming emissions substantially, and save billions of dollars annually in healthcare costs and climate damage. But, on the other hand, bacon.

7. Last week, Netflix reached a $100 million deal with actor Will Smith for the rights to his next movie. Not to be outdone, D.J. Jazzy Jeff also reached a deal with Netflix where he pays $6.99 a month for two DVDs.

8. A man in New York City is dressing up as Donald Trump an letting passersby punch him for $5, trample him $10 or pee on him for $300. And, in related news, Jeb Bush is now broke.

9. A street artist has painted a giant mural on the side of a building in Australia depicting rapper Kanye West making out with another Kanye West. Even more disturbing, there’s a third Kanye West in the background just watching.

10. Last week, a Beverly Hills real estate agent was fired over extremely racist comments she posted on social media. Although, her bosses should have known something was amiss when she kept hosting “kinda-open houses.”

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