March 22, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, the hashtag #LoveTwitter was treading because it was Twitter’s tenth birthday. Although you gotta be careful with that because the last time someone proclaimed their love for something that was ten years old he lost his sponsorship deal with Subway.

2. The Supreme Court threw out a lawsuit filed by the state governments of Nebraska and Oklahoma against Colorado over a law that allows the recreational use of marijuana in that state. Colorado’s legal brief simply read, “Dude, be cool.”

3. Presidential candidate John Kasich called on Monday for “active steps” to strengthen ties between the U.S. and Israel. Said Israel, “You could call more. What are you so busy?”

4. According to research, by eating less meat and more fruit and vegetables, the world could avoid several million deaths per year by 2050, cut planet-warming emissions substantially, and save billions of dollars annually in healthcare costs and climate damage. But, on the other hand, bacon.

5. According to a recent study, the proportion of older Americans taking at least five medications has risen in the last year. Even more alarming, now thanks to the medication, statistics aren’t the only thing rising with these old people.

6. Yesterday, “Top Chef” winner Paul Qui has been charged with misdemeanor assault in connection with domestic violence. Unsurprisingly, today Qui’s girlfriend asked him to “pack his things and go.”

7. A Michigan woman pleaded guilty on Monday to a scheme in which she and her husband used their medical cadaver business to sell body parts infected with diseases like HIV and Hepatitis B. They sold the tainted cadavers to unwitting medical students and one very unlucky necrophiliac.

8. On Monday, a mall Easter bunny in New Jersey got into a fight with a customer waiting in line with his kid to have photos taken. Said the mall Easter bunny, “I stand corrected, this is rock bottom.”

9. A teenager applying for a job at a New Orleans Popeye’s restaurant helped stop a robbery during his interview. Unfortunately the teen was injured and, even worse, he hadn’t filled out his emergency contact information yet.

10. Top daily fantasy sports companies FanDuel and DraftKings agreed to halt their business in New York on Monday. Luckily, New York Knicks fans are used to sports stopping around March.

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