March 21, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, Netflix reached a $100 million deal with actor Will Smith for the rights to his next movie. Not to be outdone, D.J. Jazzy Jeff also reached a deal with Netflix where he pays $6.99 a month for two DVDs.

2. A man in New York City is dressing up as Donald Trump an letting passersby punch him for $5, trample him $10 or pee on him for $300. And, in related news, Jeb Bush is now broke.

3. A Florida jury on Friday awarded Hulk Hogan $115 million after finding the Gawker website violated his privacy by publishing a sex tape of the wrestler. The jury also awarded itself $50 million for emotional damage resulting from having to watch the tape as evidence.

4. Toby, a two-nosed dog from California, was adopted last week from the animal shelter that was ready to put him down. Thus allowing Toby to continue his lifelong goal of finding a dog with two asses.

5. On Friday, the Indianapolis Colts announced that they will build a Peyton Manning statue outside of their stadium. The statue will be accurate down to the very last detail, including Manning’s height, shoe size and forty-yard dash time.

6. A street artist has painted a giant mural on the side of a building in Australia depicting rapper Kanye West making out with another Kanye West. Even more disturbing, there’s a third Kanye West in the background just watching.

7. Last week, a Beverly Hills real estate agent was fired over extremely racist comments she posted on social media. Although, her bosses should have known something was amiss when she kept hosting “kinda-open houses.”

8. A daughter of an Illinois state representative has been charged with participating in an attack on one of her mother’s political rivals that included using a staple gun on the victim’s forehead. The last time staples were used on a politician, Chris Christie underwent elective surgery.

9. On Friday, employees at a convenience store in Canada called local police after finding approximately $600,000 worth of heroin left on the shelves of their store. Which explains why a known drug smuggler was caught coming across the Canadian border with $100 worth of beef jerky up his butt.

10. A Bronx middle school teacher has been fined $300 after showing her students an ISIS decapitation video in class. But, in the teacher’s defense. those kids were really well-behaved the rest of that day.

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