March 18, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. After winning their opening games of the NCAA Tournament, Duke and Yale will play each other on Saturday in Rhode Island. The match-up will be so white and privileged that it is already the front runner for next year’s Oscars.

2. Thursday, was St. Patrick’s Day, where drunk revelers take to the streets to celebrate. Which means today, is watch where you step Friday.

3. On Thursday, a plane that was scheduled to land at New York’s LaGuardia Airport was diverted and landed safely elsewhere after being struck by lightning. “Those lucky bastards,” said the people who were scheduled to and did land at LaGuardia.

4. On Wednesday, Italian-born model Fabio became an American citizen. Of course, the one guy I wanted Trump to deport.

5. According to a new poll, half of U.S. women say they have a “very unfavorable” view of Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump. While the other half are looking for a word stronger than “very.”

6. A San Diego man who inherited from his father a 1974 aluminum penny valued at $2 million has surrendered it to the U.S. Mint to settle a lawsuit over ownership. Here’s a picture of him turning in the coin:
penny

7. During an interview Wednesday morning, Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump said his main foreign policy consultant is himself. He knows there’s more to foreign policy than picking wives, right?

8. Fox News has canceled its March 21st Republican presidential debate following Donald Trump’s announcement that he will not attend. “You’re not supposed to cancel things just because people don’t attend,” said WNBA execs.

9. First lady Michelle Obama said on Wednesday she has no intention to run for president. “Good call,” said this lady:
HIllary

10. According to a new study, Denmark is the happiest place in the world. “Eeyore is really dragging us down,” said Disneyland.

11. Re-testing of hundreds of athletes’ samples collected at the London 2012 and Beijing 2008 Games is underway as the International Olympic Committee bids to root out cheats ahead of Rio 2016. Begging the question, are you just keeping old urine laying around?

12. A new study has determined that heavier women get paid less than skinnier women. The study was conducted by seeing how much money Kirstie Alley made on “Cheers” and then on every project after.

13. An insurance company in Atlanta has made it mandatory for all its employees to carry a gun. “So, I’ll ask you again, do you want additional life insurance?”

14. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau on Friday joked that he is not expecting an influx of unhappy Americans across the border if Republican Donald Trump becomes president. Mainly because most Americans can’t locate Canada on a map.

15. Reporter Michelle Fields filed a criminal complaint on Friday against Republican presidential election front-runner Donald Trump’s campaign manager, saying he grabbed her arm at a rally with such force that he left bruises. So it’s possible Donald Trump doesn’t have a bad spray tan, but, instead, is just covered in one gigantic indian burn.

16. A group that wanted to draft House Speaker Paul Ryan as a Republican presidential candidate is shutting down, a day after Ryan’s political operation sent the organization a cease-and-desist letter demanding it halt its campaign. Begging the question, can Ryan’s political operation send one of those letters to Donald Trump?

17. According to a new study, many parents don’t remember if their children were tested for hearing loss at birth. Although, if, in a few years, your kid likes “One Direction,” you’ll know they weren’t.

18. An Egyptian court on Saturday sentenced a prominent Facebook user to three years in prison with hard labor after he asserted on television that many married women in the conservative country were unfaithful. Which may seem harsh until you remember that he was described as ‘a prominent Facebook user.’

19. According to a new study, woman who make the first move in online dating tend to be rewarded. Especially if that first move is swiping left.

20. Last week, the chihuahua that played Reese Witherspoon’s canine companion in “Legally Blonde” died. Although, he was an actor, so maybe he’s just really good at playing dead.

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