March 17, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. During an interview Wednesday morning, Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump said if he’s not the party’s nominee he thinks there will be riots in the streets. Because a lot of times it’s hard to tell the difference between a riot and a parade.

2. Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell told President Obama’s Supreme Court nominee Merrick Garland by phone on Wednesday that Republicans will not act on his nomination or meet with him. Marking the first time in history that someone was disappointed to not have a meeting with Mitch McConnell.

3. A Pennsylvania man has agreed to plead guilty to a felony computer hacking charge after authorities said he illegally accessed private phone and email accounts of celebrities such as actress Jennifer Lawrence and model Kate Upton to leak information including nude pictures. So now the judge will have to come up with a new excuse to tell his wife because “honey, these are evidence” won’t work anymore.

4. According to a new study, Denmark overtook Switzerland as the world’s happiest place. Switzerland took the news surprisingly well.

5. In a new profile, Donald Trump’s butler said that Trump coordinates his hats based on his mood, with a white hat signifying a good mood and red meaning Trump is angry. The butler added, “My life is a living nightmare.”

6. According to a new report, Dr. Ben Carson was not planning on endorsing any of the remaining Republican presidential candidates, but changed his mind after being offered a position in a Donald Trump White House. Said Trump, “How much do you know about hats?”

7. In a recent interview, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders said he ran as a Democrat instead of an Independent to get more media coverage. “What a smart plan,” said Hillary Clinton through a clenched smile.

8. This week, Taco Bell unveiled plans to open its first restaurant in China. And, to fit in with Chinese culture, the Taco Bell chihuahua will no longer say “I want Taco Bell” but instead “I am Taco Bell.”

9. According to a new report, Facebook receives more than one million reports of violations from users every day. Which is a very high number unless you’re Bill Cosby.

10. Sony on Tuesday announced its PlayStation virtual reality headset will launch globally for $399 in October. And, if Donald Trump becomes president, you’re gonna need it.

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