March 16, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Earlier this week, Marco Rubio was interrupted by a heckler at a Florida campaign rally who accused Rubio of stealing his girlfriend. Campaign officials knew that there might be trouble when someone showed up for a Marco Rubio rally.

2. On Tuesday, Republican presidential hopeful Marco Rubio’s campaign headquarters were evacuated after a white powder scare. While Donald Trump’s headquarters brought people in due to its white power scare.

3. A top NFL official acknowledged for the first time on Monday a link between football-related concussions and CTE, the degenerative brain condition caused by repeated blows to the head. The official cited the Cleveland Brown’s belief every year that they can win as evidence of brain damage.

4. Lesbian love story “Carol” was on Tuesday named as the top LGBT film of all time by the British Film Institute. Which can only mean one thing, the British Film Institute hasn’t done a lot of surfing on the internet.

5. Police in a central Massachusetts town are warning residents to be on the lookout for men challenging passersby to rap battles. Saying, “participating in the battle is not dangerous, just super lame.”

6. On Monday, “Star Wars” director J.J. Abrams said it was a “nightmare” to think of people watching his big-screen sci-fi adventure on a cellphone. Saying that the small-screen medium lends itself better to YouTube videos and the prequels.

7. Hollywood actor George Clooney and his international human rights lawyer wife Amal Clooney met with Syrian refugee families in Germany this week. That story again, a wife let her husband tag-along while she worked.

8. Yesterday, it was announced that actor Harrison Ford and director Steven Spielberg are teaming up to make a fifth “Indiana Jones” movie, due for release in 2019. At age 73, Ford said he is finally able to capture all the excitement associated with the state of Indiana.

9. On Tuesday, after losing the primary in his home state of Florida to Donald Trump, Senator Marco Rubio suspended his presidential campaign. So now, all that’s left to do, is awkwardly go back to Florida.

10. On Monday, former Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson explained his decision to endorse Donald Trump, saying even if Trump “turns out not to be such a great president … we’re only looking at four years.” Proving that Carson doesn’t understand how a democracy or an endorsement works.

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