March 10, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, the Chicago Tribune endorsed Senator Marco Rubio in the 2016 Republican presidential race. That story again, a dying medium endorsed a dying small.

2. A Texas law previously struck down requiring voters to show authorized identification before casting ballots will be re-examined by the a Court of Appeals. The main issue up for debate is whether a gun with your name carved into it counts as an authorized form of identification in Texas.

3. According to a new study, transplanting a kidney that is not a match may lower the risk of death more than not doing a transplant at all. You can read all about it in this month’s Medical Journal of Here Goes Nothing.

4. A 24-year-old Colombian woman was arrested at Frankfurt airport on Wednesday after she was found to be carrying over two pounds of cocaine inside her breasts. Authorities became suspicious when her baby starting snorting breastmilk.

5. The first story of J.K. Rowling’s “History of Magic in North America” has angered some Native Americans, accusing the author of lumping all Native Americans into one group. “How do you think we feel?” said Hufflepuff.

6. On Wednesday, Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio said it was a mistake to personally attack Donald Trump, saying, “my kids were embarrassed by it.” Adding, “The next day, I couldn’t look them in the eyes, and it was hard to avoid because we’re at the same eye level.”

7. A town in Maine spends hundreds of dollars a year to replace the street sign for a road named “Katie Crotch” that continuously gets stolen. Authorities say everyone’s a suspect, except for Tom Cruise, because no amount of couch-jumping can convince them he ever had any interest in Katie’s crotch.

8. The director of the Google’s self-driving car project will testify before Congress next week on efforts to develop safe and effective autonomous cars. Because if anyone knows about being asleep at the wheel, it’s Congress.

9. Donald Trump on Tuesday said comparisons of his practice of asking supporters to raise their right hand and vow to vote for him to Adolf Hitler’s Nazi salute is “ridiculous.” Adding, “I’ve always viewed myself as more of a Mussolini.”

10. This week, scientists in Singapore introduced “Nadine,” a humanoid robot, who can think, feel and even recognize people. The addition of making the robot feel human emotions was an upgrade from their previous model “Mitt.”

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