March 8, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. New York City officials have ruled that starting this week, they will stop arresting people who urinate and consume alcohol in public. The official announcement was started “Attention Jets fans.”

2. Earlier this week, brothers James and Bob Stocklas both bought winning Powerball lottery tickets in Florida, but James won the $291 million, while Bob won only $7. “Finally someone who can relate,” said Jeb.

3. Yesterday, Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant endorsed Ted Cruz for president. Which is surprising because I just assumed that Mississippi was governed by possum in a top hat.

4. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau on Monday said he would neither fight Donald Trump nor support him. That shocking story again, a Canadian guy was polite.

5. A 26-year-old woman, who received the first transplanted uterus in the U.S., said on Monday she was looking forward to getting pregnant next year. Isn’t that always the case, you buy something new and you immediately want to use it.

6. Over the weekend, Australia held its annual dog surfing competition. And, for the tenth year in the row, the dog best able to maintain its balance on a moving surface was Mitt Romney’s dog.

7. On Saturday, more than 30 participants took part in a decades old conch shell blowing contest in Key West, Florida. “You really should get someone with better handwriting to write those flyers,” said a visibly disappointed Paris Hilton.

8. Veteran rock band AC/DC has been forced to reschedule ten tour dates because lead singer Brian Johnson could lose his hearing if he takes the stage. “Shit, I’d prefer that,” said the lead singer of Nickelback.

9. During Sunday night’s Democratic presidential debate, Hillary Clinton said she speaks to God several times a day. To which Republican candidate Donald Trump replied, “That’s bullshit, I never answer her phone calls.”

10. Hulk Hogan told a Florida jury on Monday he was “completely humiliated” by a secretly recorded sex tape published online by Gawker. “How do you think we feel?” said the people who watched the tape.

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